I have a lot of things to look forward to coming up. I sincerely hope my finances, mood, and body cooperate.
I offered Mouse to stay at my house. IDK wtf is wrong with me. I'm like omg wtf please don't... But also please show up. Like please just be a simple, easy human for once in your life... Buy our tickets, drive your ass to me, spend time, go home. It's so simple, but she makes herself needy, and I feel like I have to accommodate it. FML. Think my revelation about overnight noise fixed it, but damn close…
Jennifer and her boyfriend are great to spend time with lately. I freaking love her... It's been so nice - I don't feel like I'm good enough to be her friend. I don't feel like I'm good enough for any of the things I have in my life rn. And I need more things all the time, and I feel terrible that I even exist to be such a burden.
I wish I had clothes for all the things. I wish I had money for clothes for all the things. Ima probably have to get creative.
Bro, I feel so fucking drained the past couple days. Yesterday I could not keep my eyes open. It keeps happening where I shut down. My body just reaches a point where it steps in front of my mental health and says, "STOPBITCHTODAYISTHEDAYYOURESTAYINGHOME," and then I am a void.
First, it begins with a period of being irritable, then a period of being angry, then a period of not giving a fuck, then sad, then a period of nothingness. My brain is empty, my body is sore and immobile, and I push myself through the things I need to do, but I am so pooped in the process. IDK how to break this cycle, either.
If I did not have my family/husband, IDK if I would be better with this or worse. Does having a family cause all this? Or would this be happening anyway and having a family is keeping me on track? I get so anxious about feeling judged by my husband, that it forces me to do things. He jokes about expectations, but it's reality. I know I need to clean myself, cook, try... I need to maintain a certain level of functioning, or he will be upset with me. I don't think it's too far, either. I think it just keeps me away from being my mom. I could so easily become her. She acted like being her was so much work - I don't think it was. I think I do the work now she could have and should have.
I know my body response is stress. I know it's the chaos of all the things. I know I need to be better to my body, pay more attention to my child, drink water, handle my eating and money. It's the usual things...
It's nice that my husband was thinking about my career and our household potential things.
I keep disassociating the past few days... badly with brain fog.
I need to lose weight and whiten my teeth and row. I've been working hard to not purge, but that always comes at a price of a slight gain. That is where I am, and I have plans in 11 days. I can get to a good point by then. I need to. I need to feel light and clean that day. I need to feel the rush of small things. I need to do the things every day until this day of festivities.
I sat down over the course of a week and read your blog from start to finish. I know you've struggled but damn, girl, I just wanted to say this: you need to write a book. For realz. I'm an old-school Ana (a little older than you) and I've read hundreds of such blogs over the years. Your writing is what I like to call "sticky." It stays in the mind long after the reader has finished. Keep writing. I'll be here to read.
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