Monday, August 27, 2012

Maintaining me

Vibrant me is becoming stifled again... How do I maintain her? Where is she?

I'm getting lost in fat and sorrow and poverty. So scared to lose the one thing in my life that makes daily life easier but also contemplating if maybe losing is is what would make my life as a whole better... I need some direction.

I'm starting to feel like I just want to be alone.

There for a while I felt amazing. Attractive and on top of things and like I had made the right decisions.

Now I question those decisions, feel grotesque in my own skin, and feel like I need that old feeling.

There's a certain sense of accomplishment you feel when you are dancing with the feeling of dying. When your stomach is only full of alcohol and your brain only full of drugs and ideals.

I need to take some steps to feel alive again... Regardless of where he goes or what he does.

Plan:
Work more
Save money
Get thin (always)
Study

I'm giving it about another month... Then we'll see... I might just need to be alone.

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