Giving back in.
That is the theme today.
I have come to realize over the past month or so that I am not normal. My relationship to food is seriously flawed, and no matter how much internal reflection I do, I cannot figure out WHY.
When did this happen and why? When did I become a monster? When did this thing that hangs over my head become so large it crushed me?
People have theories about people with eating disorders, but I don't know how true most of them are. I never feel when I hear the theories like, "Oh yes, that's me alright." I always think, "If that's true, then how did I get so fucked in the head? Why me?"
I have no answers, and only one thing is certain: Whenever I fight it, I get fat.
I'm heavier than I want to be, and the ultimate goal of 110lbs seems SO far away.
But ladies, I am going to get there. One pound at a time. With complete disregard for being healthy or normal or sane. I am going to achieve what I want and need to achieve.
B: Tea - 0 cals.
L: Salad and chicken - 200 cals.
Total: Low enough to satisfy me.
Today I hope to do better.
I really want to go to the gym, but I had the flu all last week, and it's still holding on hard enough that any heavy breathing sends me into uncontrollable fits of coughing... I'm going to give it a couple more days.
And THEN (and this is exciting!) I will be headed back and dragging my brother along with me! Yaay!
He moved in this weekend. He graduated from the university and has a few months before he goes into the police academy, so he's renting my spare bedroom in the meantime. Honestly having him here is SO nice because he's a huge distraction... I have this intense fear of eating in front of people and having him and the hubby both around honestly makes me eat less.
So I have THAT going for me, and I also got some addy from a girl I used to work with... But honestly now I don't know what to do with it...
I really wanted it and got like 6 pills, but I don't know when to take the shit because I don't want to a.) crash at work in the evenings or b.) be too wired and not able to sleep when I get home.
SO I think I may just save it for my days off... Or just take a half when I get ready for work so that when I get home I'm ready to crash and not thinking about food???
Basically it's my safety net right now. I'm going to try to be strong as long as I can and then when I'm about to have a bad day, I'll resort to the addy.
Definitely taking one on Christmas tho. The easier that shit is to get through the better.
Well, ladies I'm off to determine my food for the day and read some blogs!
Think thin. ♥