Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Year's Eve
2011 is almost gone... Here I stand with a terrible year behind me:
5 odd-jobs, 1 new drug addiction, several friend reunions, 4 realizations that old friends can totally blow, 2 concerts, 3 beach weekends, $0 in savings, 1 new goal, and 1 that hasn't changed.
As I read over this list, I want to slap someone... It has been SUCH a rough year that I can't believe I survived...
I've been broke and miserable and depressed and directionless and fat for an entire YEAR. And it's only recently that I'm making money, have a little direction, and once again have the mental energy to start losing weight [again]... FUCK me that's a load of shit.
When I think back to 2010 at this time, I was trying desperately to get to 115lbs, and I was CLOSE. A FEW pounds away... Now I wised up, bought a scale, and realized I wasn't actually THAT close, but still about 6lbs lighter than I sit here now writing this... I was trying to get my honeymoon weight back off...
"Ew, Cally. Another wasted year of being fat."
But I can't be mad, honestly... I mean, I can, but I won't be... Bad years happen, and in all honesty, it DID seem to fly by, AND there were a few things about this year that weren't that bad...
I thank God above every day for bringing Kay into my life at my shittiest of shitty jobs this year. Not only was she a ray of sunshine, but her encouragement helped me to realize my dream and that I am smart and capable of achieving it. She is the reason why I decided to go to grad school, the reason why I looked into my volunteer program (which was one of the ONLY things keeping me sane this year) and the reason why I decided to establish a light at the end of my tunnel.
My confidence about myself and my future went up a thousand fold, I found my direction, and I have her to thank for that.
And jobs... Wow I had too many. All shitty until this current one. This one I can handle. It's easy and pays well, and as long as I don't get my hours cut or fired, I know it will be a great job to have for the next year or so.
And my relationship... The hubby... I would have died alone.
SO all-in-all, a bad year, yes. But I'm deciding to look on the bright side...
I know I'll rise above. And even if I don't, you bet your ass I'll still lose this weight.
I can and will have a better life this year, starting now.
If I'm not 110lbs by my birthday in February, I'll probably kill myself on my birthday. It's 7 weeks away which is plenty of fucking time.
I can do it. I KNOW I can. I want to be at least 117lbs by the end of this month because the hubby and I are going on a romantic weekend because we FINALLY have some money to do so, and I want to look GOOD.
I need to prove it to myself and the rest of the world that I can do this... That I can finish my weight loss and maintain it forever. I may be getting older, but I don't need to be fat and ugly.
Have a safe and happy New Year to those of you who are going out... I will be working. And not eating.
Think thin, ladies.