Sunday, October 18, 2015

Boys on the brain

Heath emailed me.

I went back over my blog entries to see if I had ever written about him, but I discovered that the 6 months that I was single warranted zero blog entries... No wonder I was such a mess.

"I'm reaching out because oddly enough, I do think about you a lot. If I wasn't in the situation I was in, I would have pursued everything I could to have been with you. I hate that it happened like that. I'm really sorry."

Then last night, his pregnant fiance e-mailed me.

I hate men.

Especially Pauly, because I hate that I can't hate him.

He slinks up behind me and hugs me. It's such a good hug, with his arm over my chest and his whole body up against mine. It's not the usual back-slapping bro hug he gives people. He wasn't fucking around. He was being intimate. It's the kind of hug that make people ask what's going on with you two.

It was nice because we've been so strained lately. It was extremely comforting and somewhat of a relief. Reassuring. I have been feeling like the biggest idiot and so insecure around him concerning this whole situation... Like I didn't mean anything at all to him. Like he used me and didn't like me. But, you don't hug people like that that you don't like... It was a special moment, but I quickly retreated because I couldn't handle the intensity of emotions that suddenly welled up inside of me.

I just want more and more hugs like that... And then in my crazy quest for attention and hating that I want more hugs, I try to make him jealous.

I mention that a dude left his business card and room key on the table (not sure if it was intentional, but it was there...) just to see how he would react. I thought he might react like Ian did and joke with me about it, or possibly get annoyed... He got upset. He turned and walked away immediately with a minimal reaction. Then he sees Craig hug me while I'm laughing from across the room, and he looks annoyed.

I want him to be jealous. I want him to feel rejected. I want him to feel all the things he made me feel.

But, more than anything, I want him to attempt again. The same way they all do eventually. The same way Heath just did and Bird and Gerard and Bogs and Scott and all the dudes that I have ever hooked up with... They all attempt again, at least once or until I say no.

Me, though. I want to say no. I want to point out his issues and how it wasn't handled properly and how he had a chance and blew it, and that I don't owe him anything.

And I want to stop feeling butterflies.

I'm very mad at myself for being in this position. For caring about him. For being proocupied by this and having an actual emotional response to him... I want to focus on the boyfriend. And I have been, but not 100%. It's just impossible right now, as much as I'd love him to give it all back over to him. I don't have a lot of faith in him, as much as I want to.

I know I care about Pauly because I get annoyed when he pays attention to Lolly. And that she seems to fucking revel in it. I mean, who doesn't enjoy attention? But, you just don't do that... I already fucked him; stay away. I would be so furious if they ever even touched, because it would ruin my friendship with her and also it would make what happened with me and him cheap.

And I don't think it was. I honestly think he likes me, but he doesn't know how to handle it. He doesn't know how to fight for it. He doesn't know how to handle anything in his life, honestly. The boy doesn't have a lot going for him...

But I meant what I said when I drunk texted him. I don't regret things. I like what happened. I wish it would have been different, but I also understand. But he does have a piece of my heart.

I just wish that piece would stop beating so quickly when he's around.

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