Sunday, October 4, 2015

Emptying my head

It's bothering me, and I don't know why. I wish it wasn't.

I lie to Ee and tell him that it doesn't, but it does. I try to convince myself it doesn't bother me because I feel that's better somehow, but perhaps lying to myself is not the best way to handle this. And it's not like I don't really know anyway...

I just don't want to seem whiny or like a pathetic little fucking girl who's butt-heart over a guy of his caliber. I know I need to move on for my own sake and for the sake of not looking like a fucking idiot in regards to not only Pauly, but also the boyfriend. I know he's sketchy and we're not compatible, and he's a loser... But it still stings a bit to be rejected, no matter what the reason. Especially because he didn't even get to truly know me before he rejected me.

But, then, maybe that's why...

I just wish I could stop dreaming about him... I want him to disappear, but I know that won't happen. I mean, I don't KNOW... Actually all of them have in the past. They have all disappeared from my daily life.

Crazy, now that I stop to contemplate that.

Jay and D left and then Gerard and Bird were swept away when Timp closed. Bogs and I separated when I got fired, and then he moved away.

But, his departure is not likely. He's worked there forever, and I don't plan on leaving, so... The best I can hope for is to endure my mistake until I'm gone... 2.5 more semesters won't kill me, right? That's just most of a year.

The good news is I'm doing fantastic with my loverboy.

I needed a revitalization of our relationship. I got it. I'm praying Laura doesn't give me cruise money so that I can take him instead. I had a blast today, and he's being more appreciative, affectionate, loving... I hope this one sticks. The other night made me so hopeful that it will. Our fight just melted away, and we enjoyed each other.

We had stopped doing that for a while... Enjoying each other. Actually, I think the only thing I've been truly enjoying since January is school because I have been forced to spend so much mental energy there. I didn't have time to enjoy anything, and I was trying to balance everything.

Suddenly, I'm not trying to balance. Balance and order have formed on their own. We've all adjusted to my being in grad school - me, the bf, the kids, my parents, my co-workers, my friends... Feels like it took forever, but I think we have all finally adjusted.

I know I have, and it feels fantastic. I no longer stress endlessly about how much I have to do to the point where it's debilitating. I just do what I need to do, ignore things I cannot control, and truly process things that need to be processed.

I'm just living. Enjoying things, drinking, smoking, going out with friends, trusting, loving... Not worrying and stressing and being a bitch.

I love how it feels.

Now I just need my outsides to match my insides. 70 days until my cruise. I can lose a lot by then, but I absolutely have to get started... Think thin.

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