Thursday, December 10, 2015

Time for change

Today's eats:
B: Diet Coke - 0 cals
L: Veggies and Pork - 200 cals
D: Bananas and chocolate - 190 cals
S: About 7 chips - 80 cals
Total: 470

Finally, a day on point. I am going to have some herbal tea in a little bit and then turn in for the night... No more food this evening.

This week has been stressful. I have one final left, and my semester and first year of graduate school will be over. It FLEW by... I feel accomplished, but fat. I've definitely gained weight in the process of starting school. I haven't been consistent with exercise or making myself eat well at all... And today as everyone was giving presentations, I noticed a LOT of us have gained weight in the program. Like, most of us... But, that doesn't make it any better. I feel proud of what I've accomplished, and mentally more stable than I ever have, but physically I'm a mess. I need to make my outsides match my insides, because right now they don't at all.

The photos from my dinner out this week were a nightmare. My look was a mess. I looked SO fat... Fatter than Brit, and I've always thought she was too fat... It's so fucking upsetting. Nothing looks good on me, and I don't want to feel that way.

I read recently that people with bulimia have issues coping with stress and use food to do so. We do not know how to relax, cope, or de-stress through other means. It's so true... I never really thought about the process or what it means to me until recently, but when I read that single sentence in the book, it all clicked so much... It's not about eating for hunger or nourishment. It's about eating for emotions. Eating to stop thinking, or numb things, or feel like I'm getting satisfaction or pleasure from something. But it doesn't actually fix any of that shit. It just makes me feel worse... And then when I purge it's so freeing... Until I binge again or feel desperately hungry with a crashed blood-sugar, a bloated stomach, and a scratchy throat.

I don't want to feel ashamed of how I handle stress anymore. I feel ashamed of my drinking, drug use, and B&P. I feel ashamed of my body and how it's showing how I've treated it. I look sloppy, and I feel disgusting. I need to use this month to get myself back on track. I need a routine that I can stick with that I use for the next year... I need to get myself together so badly.

Tomorrow's planned eats:
B: Apple and coffee - 50 cals
L: Chicken and salad - 200 cals
S: Grapes before my final - 50 cals
D: Chicken and veggies - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 40 cals
Total: 540 cals

Friday's planned eats:
B: Apple, grapes, orange, coffee (at work) - 180 cals
L: Side salad and Diet Coke at Wendy's - 100 cals
D: Meat and veggies with the kiddos - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 40 cals
Total: 520 cals

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