Saturday, December 12, 2015

Beach day and losing

Today's eats:
B: Addy and a lollipop - 40 cals 
L: Deli meat, grapes, and an orange - 200 cals
D: Ham and broccoli - 200 cals
S: Chocolate - 50 cals

I'm done eating today... Right at around 500 cals. I've been doing well, and this morning the scale said 148lbs. Tomorrow, if I know my body like I think I do, I'll weight 147. 

This, however, is always where I fuck up. 147lbs, and then something happens, I lose motivation, and I shoot back up to 150lbs and beyond... So the next couple days will be vital and key to losing. Like I said last night though, this time it's for real. Ana is whispering in my ear daily, and I know what to do. Now I just have to do it and get myself to a comfortable place. 

We went to the beach today with the whole family, and I did a really good job of resisting. Not easy with my family, because gatherings are an excuse to load up on food. I didn't pack myself a sandwich and avoided chips and pasta and all kinds of crap today. I did get a little angry though. When my blood sugar started really crashing, I got grouchy. My body isn't comfortable there yet. It's going to take like another week... But I'm on my period, so I just chalked it up to that and make a mental effort to chill out. I just had zero patience... I

I absolutely need to be thinner. 

I want to go to the beach and feel hot there again. Like I'm a cute girl in a bikini and not a gross one... My mom was taking pics of all of us and me in my bikini, and while I have looked worse in the past, I feel like I look so HUGE. Like a fucking whale. Then there's always some beautiful fit girl there that I envy in a swimsuit that the boyfriend sneaks peeks at. I know he thinks I'm beautiful, but I also know even he thinks I could afford to lose some weight right now. I think he feels safer when I'm a bit heavier, because he feels like I won't leave him. But that's not ok at the moment... I want him to REALLY think I'm hot and not just love me because he's partial to me as his woman... Does that make sense?? I want him to objectively think I'm hot. 

Lolly said the other day that I have a complex. She said I'm not as fat as I think I am. But I think she's wrong... So, Ana's voice wins over Lolly's... 

The current motto is "I'm not hungry." Or "I don't want any of that." Then once everyone leaves me alone, I eat my diet prepared foods, and then they see me eating something and don't question it. Then later I say, "I'm so full." It makes them all leave me alone. Excuses work well for me because I literally never make them. People just believe what I'm saying and don't question or doubt it . 

My dad did make a comment to me today about when I was super thin, though... I said something about needing to lose some weight and how I plan to over break, and he said "No more than ten though. I don't want to see you like you were before." He got emotional. I thought I had everyone fooled back then, but guess not... However, I feel like everyone is in agreement that I currently need a little weight loss, so time to cash in and lose whatever I want without getting nagged.

15 more pounds to go. Minimum. I can do this. 

Think thin. 

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