Friday, August 21, 2015

Gerard's kiss

I had a dream about Gerard the other night. It was so real. 

Suddenly, there in my mind's eye, was his nervously smiling and somewhat mischievous face: the face he used to make when he was thinking about being an asshole but instead his sentiment kicked in. The look he always gave to me. I asked Jenn about him, and she told me he moved back home. I wish I could have seen him one last time, in a way. Even though we don't talk because we hurt each other... I still wish we could sometimes. 

I was one of his weaknesses, I think. I don't know why, but I could have always had anything I wanted from him. He stayed away when he knew I wanted it, and he desperately wanted to come back when he thought there was a small chance it was possible. 

But I never wanted him the way he wanted me. I just loved his comfort, the way he felt, how he was reliable and how he treasured me. I felt so completely comfortable and desired and protected around him, and like I never had to work to maintain it. That's rare for me with any human being, much less one that I actually kind of like back... It's not like Bogart, who I kind of felt was a bit pathetic, in retrospect. I thought Gerard was interesting and handsome and desirable. Though not quite as desirable as the boy I felt I was supposed to be with... My love swept in and carried me off into the sunset, leaving Gerard fading in the past - though he did give a thorough effort not to be left there alone. 

I remember the night that Gerard and I kissed. I had actually wanted it for a very long time. I had wanted it since before my soulmate stepped in. I had wanted it first, which made it feel completely right and not like the betrayal some may have portrayed it as. It was probably the one of the best kisses of my entire life. But a blossoming romance was not suppose to take root from this kiss. It was just meant to be a kiss, and that was all I had ever really wanted. 

That warm, breezy summer night lying on the dock with a head full of smoke while or lips danced. That was one of those special, perfect moments in life. I felt so completely perfect in that moment. I had no worries about life, and at that moment I was getting exactly what I wanted. I knew he would not pressure me for more, and I didn't want more. I wanted exactly that: to kiss him and be kissed by him. I wanted nothing more and nothing less, and that was exactly what I was getting. It's so rare for life to give you exactly what you're wanting in a single moment without the distractions of pressure or insecurity or worry. It was one of those perfect moments. 

If I could go back to a handful of moments in life and relive them, that would be high on the list. 

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