Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Final final

I had my last final of my first semester of graduate school today.

It was surreal and amazing.

I flew through the exam - it felt so easy. I had a rush as I knew all the answers, scribbling in the bubbles and flipping each page. *whoosh, scribble, scribble, scribble, whoosh*

I double-checked it, and marched up to the front and turned it in. I turned to leave, and my TA was smiling at me and waving goodbye. I smiled and waved and left the classroom. I realized I was the first one out, and it felt like I took the exam so quickly... I glanced at my phone.

6:17 pm.

What!? SEVENTEEN minutes!? I even double checked my answers, and it felt so effortless!

I felt like a kid at fucking Disney World as I walked back to my car and left campus. My first semester is over, and I worked SO hard, and it was worth it

It's amazing to me that I am capable of this. I am accomplishing things. I am learning things. I am making an impression. I am getting good grades. I am liking school. Again. Like I haven't since I was 17. I feel smart again. Like I have something to say, and people want to listen. My professor said it was a pleasure to have me in her class.

I am liking my life. A lot. I'm not stressed, even when things get rough. I love my boyfriend and my wonderful stepkids, and I have a great job where people love me and support and appreciate me. And I'm kicking ass in fucking graduate school.

I've let go of SO many issues I've had this semester. I've worked on my mental health. A LOT. I've written and analyzed and had so many moments where I had life-altering realizations about SO many things. It's crazy to me all the moments I've had where I've left class completely emotionally drained but with peace - knowing I just had a breakthrough. And they're not superficial like I've had in the past. They've stuck, and I'm not faking it for once.

I don't feel crazy anymore.

I feel mentally healthier than I have in a very long time, and I've worked very hard to get here. I don't feel like I need to smoke anymore (though, let's face it - I still like it, so I'm still smoking. Ha ha!) I've cut out all the backup boys and attention seeking. I actually sleep at night. Who would have thought any of those were possible??

It's so rewarding, and I don't want to lose it! I want to feel physically healthier now. That's my next step, and I know I'll get there... One thing at a time, I suppose. I'm not in any rush.

I just want to get to a place where I'm losing weight and taking care of myself because I love my body and not because I hate it... I've never felt that before, and I want it.


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