Sunday, March 15, 2015

Life is messy

I feel weird today.

The boyfriend and I had the spatty little moment I knew was coming... Glad it's over, so that the elephant in the room is gone, but still...

I took off spring break to focus on school, and he copped an attitude about me not going to work and about my scheduling lately, though we both know my finances are not the ones in question this month and he shouldn't even be saying anything... He's partly right, and I know where he's coming from, but neither one of us are used to me being the one who needs a kick in the right direction, and he gets a little on the attack side. And when I already feel insecure about what's going on with me, it doesn't go over well. He could never be as hard on me as I am on myself, so anything he says about my behavior just makes me want to scream and vomit simultaneously.

But I get what he was saying and the jealousy involved as well. I'll talk to him tonight, and we'll get everything straight, but I was spitting venom this morning...

My goal to lose weight this week was a disaster. I really don't want to discuss it, but instead of fulfilling my goals, I got depressed and had countless anxiety attacks and binged for two days and I got extremely backed up and had to take a laxi last night and today I feel like garbage.

I feel like garbage in a lot of respects... I have a lot of responsibility right now, and I;m not doing a great job at balancing everything at the moment. I know it will work out, but it's taking longer than I wanted, and it's frustrating.

I need to get serious about losing weight and about money and school and stop letting my depression hold me back. I need to stay on top of my goals and finances, or I won't survive this. I need to start rewarding myself for things instead of using comfort to cope when I just feel nasty - which is like all the time.

And I need a day with my boyfriend the kids. All 4 of us and no life distractions!!!

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