Sunday, November 27, 2016

Oh, Jay

Jay and I had a two week period where we barely spoke... I got upset and then did the girl thing where I told him I was upset and then refused to talk about it. He chased me.

Last night I went out with coworkers for a couple drinks. He followed me over and we ended up talking things through. I know he's messy, but I like him. I think he's smart and funny and nerdy and cute. I think he is interesting, and if I had my way, we'd spend more time together. He asked me about Wednesday, and I hope we end up doing something together...

I hoped last night he would kiss me. I wanted one. Badly. But it's too fragile right now, and I know that, so I let it go. I hope he was thinking about it also... I wish I would have cheek pecked him, but we started getting giggly and goofy right before I said goodnight to him.

I spent Thanksgiving away from the ex, drinking and being emotional but keeping myself under control. I hope I didn't make a fool out of myself, because I felt like maybe I was. I constantly feel that way lately...

Most days I don't know how to feel or what to feel, so I just wait. I don't make decisions, and I don't do things I don't want to do. I wanted to see the ex and the kids on Friday, so I took them all to lunch, but it wasn't what I wanted. It stresses me out to be with all of them. I end up throwing money at the situation and then running. I get uncomfortable. It's always stress with them. It's so dysfunctional in so many various respects that I feel myself wanting to run.

Last night he was texting me about other boys and being paranoid that they would get to touch me or what have you, and I ignored him. I was getting annoyed, and Ee told me, "Just don't respond then."  So, I didn't. And I didn't feel guilty. I felt free. And I enjoyed myself without checking my phone and without worrying about someone else for a single night. He wanted to come over tonight, and I said no. He asked me about Ee's birthday, and I said I wasn't going, but I didn't give him some big long reassuring story, and I told him from now on, I'm going to ignore the crazy texts.

I think that is part of the appeal of Jay... It's going slow, but it's genuine, and he doesn't seem to want to change who I am. He seems to like who I am, and every time I spend time with him, I feel genuinely bonded to him in a way that makes me scared to lose him. Sometimes I think the ex wants to change me as much as I want him to change his dysfunctional things. I want him to make healthy changes and he wants me to become something I'm not ever going to be... I think the physical violence came from somewhere that's not better, and I wonder it if ever will be. I don't think we truly love what the other person is. I think I've changed too much for the better and he hasn't changed enough. We fell in love with ideals that doen't exist. As for the future, who knows what people we will be... But right now it's not working. And I think it's more than just the drinking. I think he doesn't trust me and wants me to dress and act and talk a certain way that I'm not. I want to be faithful because I'm happy and not out of obligation or feeling like I should behave a certain way.

With Jay, I am honest, and he takes it. He's honest with me, and I can tell. He opens up to me... He tells me private things, and I find myself telling him private things in return. And before I can feel weird about it or like it makes me a worse person, he says something to make it feel ok. He told me last night I'm different from all of our coworkers. "All of them" he said and motioned into the building. He told me, "You're amazing."

I have such a nice time spending time with him. We nerd over science and our favorite TV shows and just talk about random shit, and it feels effortless. It feels like it did with Bogart, except with Bogart I wasn't attracted to him. That has been the case with all the fuck boys - I'm either attracted and it's hard af to have the relationship, or it's effortless, but I'm not attracted. With Jay it feels like both. I'm crazy attracted... I'm practically slapping myself in the face for not trying to kiss him last night. And I re-live that night in my car a LOT lately... And it's effortless. And he's told me when it's not to get mad at him and call him out. Who does that??

But still I don't know how to feel... Maybe I just never do...

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