Sunday, November 13, 2016

Blue Jay

I like Jay. I don't want to...

We've been talking almost daily, and we went out for drinks on Friday. I could tell at the bar that he wanted to kiss me, but I didn't expect anything to really happen. I was hoping for maybe a peck, or at the most a few minutes of kissing. The last time we went out for drinks, he didn't kiss me at all or even walk me to my car, so I wasn't holding my breath. I had been questioning if he was even interested until this week when he was drunk texting me telling me how gorgeous I am and how every time he sees me he fantasizes about going down on me, which blindsided me a little.

Friday he walked me to my car and pulled me in for a hug, standing next to my car with the driver's door open, and didn't let go. He made a little shaky breathing noise, and suddenly we were kissing. I have tried to figure out who kissed whom, but I think we both just kissed each other. Then he started making out with me. He was hungry and aggressive and passionate. I peeked at him, and he was enjoying himself, in the moment, and so hungry...

That went on for a few minutes, and then he pulled away. I expected him to say he had to go, because that's his style. He's been taking things with me much slower than other boys do. We've been talking for weeks, and that was only the first time he kissed me... I expected him to draw a line like he has been... But he didn't. He instead closed my driver's door and opened the door to my back seat and basically all but shoved me in there. I leaned into the front to slide the passenger seat out of the way because it was leaned back rather far, and when I turned back around he was pulling me in and kissing me with his hands all over my body. He was rubbing me and grabbing on my tits, and the next thing I knew he was practically ripping my pants off. He pushed me back into the corner of the back seat and started eating me out. He was SO aggressive, I could barely handle it. I was wasted and exhausted, and still it was amazing... He hugged me after. And I mean HUGGED me. And then he got weird and apologetic and I pulled him back in for another and took one. I needed it as much as he did. It was romantic and not just sexual, which was the nice part about it.

Now I don't know what to do... He's been texting me constantly lately. Every day we talk. Except today... Today I'm sad because we haven't... Today every time my phone goes off, it's the ex, and I'm annoyed.

I guess things got messy, and I think he has a girl that was around before I showed up. I think I word vomited a little last night out of fear. I think I'm the homewrecker. He's told me, "I don't know what we are. We've hung out a few times, and I don't think it's going anywhere. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't." It's messy... Because I don't know whether to think he has a girlfriend or to believe him that there's no title and it's a complicated scenario. I don't know if he won't fuck me because he's fucking her... I tried to get him to let me fuck him or to come home with me and he said he can't. He wouldn't. It makes me feel shitty, but I guess I should just enjoy whatever I get from this, and maybe I'll win this one in the end... One thing's for sure tho, I won't win if I freak him out...

I told him I don't expect that to happen again. But that he better not cut me off. He promised he wouldn't and that he will take me to happy hour soon.

I guess all I can do is wait and see... I want to talk to him today, but I think he needs space... Maybe I need space.

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