Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Selfish him

He's extremely inconsiderate lately. Or maybe it's not just lately. Maybe it's all the time, but lately it's starting to upset me. 

He's buried in his phone. He's rude and selfish and inconsiderate. He lashes out when I try to get any kind of response from him. He acts like I'm a bother and distraction from what he actually wants to be doing. He acts like a child. I try to be patient, but my patience is wearing thin, and I can feel myself wanting to blow up and storm off. If I weren't feeling so sick I probably would have by now. 

I want to leave. Not forever, but for a day or two. I want to pull away. I want to push him so far away that he wonders where I am. I want him to miss me, but I don't know how long that would even take. He's so wrapped up in himself all the time lately, I question how I even fit in. 

I don't think this relationship is as fulfilling as it possibly could be. I question if it ever will be. I think he's just selfish... It's frustrating. I know he loves me, but that's not enough. His selfishness and self-centered ways drive me crazy. I have never had someone who doted on me properly. I thought it would be him, but life has not played out that way. 

It makes me miss Bogart sometimes. And Bird. And Gerard. I left people who were more considerate. And this is causing me tears, but I don't really know why. 

I'm so sick. With a horrible cold and can barely get any attention. His guilt brings him around with "if you need anything" statements. It's just to appease me and not cause a horrible fight. I tell him I don't need anyone. I mean it. 

I don't need anyone. I've taken care of myself forever. And I always will. I've taught myself and supported myself and cared for myself without help for a million years. Because all any other person has ever shown me is that you can either take care of yourself in life or be disappointed when others don't. 

But I want him. I want him to want me and to pay attention to me and to be there for me. I don't need it, but I want it. I just don't know if I'll ever get what I want. 

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