He's buried in his phone. He's rude and selfish and inconsiderate. He lashes out when I try to get any kind of response from him. He acts like I'm a bother and distraction from what he actually wants to be doing. He acts like a child. I try to be patient, but my patience is wearing thin, and I can feel myself wanting to blow up and storm off. If I weren't feeling so sick I probably would have by now.
I want to leave. Not forever, but for a day or two. I want to pull away. I want to push him so far away that he wonders where I am. I want him to miss me, but I don't know how long that would even take. He's so wrapped up in himself all the time lately, I question how I even fit in.
I don't think this relationship is as fulfilling as it possibly could be. I question if it ever will be. I think he's just selfish... It's frustrating. I know he loves me, but that's not enough. His selfishness and self-centered ways drive me crazy. I have never had someone who doted on me properly. I thought it would be him, but life has not played out that way.
It makes me miss Bogart sometimes. And Bird. And Gerard. I left people who were more considerate. And this is causing me tears, but I don't really know why.
I'm so sick. With a horrible cold and can barely get any attention. His guilt brings him around with "if you need anything" statements. It's just to appease me and not cause a horrible fight. I tell him I don't need anyone. I mean it.
I don't need anyone. I've taken care of myself forever. And I always will. I've taught myself and supported myself and cared for myself without help for a million years. Because all any other person has ever shown me is that you can either take care of yourself in life or be disappointed when others don't.
But I want him. I want him to want me and to pay attention to me and to be there for me. I don't need it, but I want it. I just don't know if I'll ever get what I want.