Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Limbo

I haven't posted in a while because I've been in emotional limbo... Things have been shitty, shitty, shitty.

My emotions have been SO out of whack and basically I put ana in the back of the closet so I wouldn't have a meltdown and go into a complete state of depression. A LOT of stuff has happened. Things so horrid I don't want to talk about them. I'm still recovering, but I feel I'm coping well, so I pulled ana out of the back of the closet, brushed her off, and evaluated.

The weight this morning was 120lbs.

Back to this fucking spot again.

I'm okay with it because when I look at what I endured over the past week alone, I feel like I was emotionally strong and that I didn't do that terribly. However, I ate my sorrows to a certain degree, and if I don't get things back in check I will be at 125 lbs before I know it. Then the depression spiral will suck me in, and I can't have that. Not now in life. I just have to be strong.

So to summarize, I basically have a new mental plan.

1.) Get thin.
2.) Block out everything else.

I'm going to bide my time in this fucking town until I leave in 6 weeks, and I'm not going to freak out about everything that's going on. I'm going to ride out the lows and highs and let things work themselves out. I want to be back home SO badly, and I know I'm needed, but I just don't have the money yet.

Time. I just have to take my time. I have to remember that I can't change my circumstances, but I can change my weight.

In other less dramatic news:

I had a moment today while I was sitting on the couch where I realized something: I'm not going to be cute forever.

I know, shocking.

But when you think about it, it's like this: One day, you're going to be ugly, and you can't help it. No matter how good you take care of yourself or how much work you have done, you will look old and gross one day. So WHY would you waste your youth looking gross as well? WHY would you go through life unhappy with your body or whatever when you're in your 20's and can change it, when in about 40 years you won't be able to change it.

I mean, your weight of course, but the overall package... Not so much.

This is why I am going to be thinner than thin ASAP. Because I am wasting my youthful good looks. And I don't want to waste anything.

Today's planned eats:
Only Fruits and Vegetables and a small amount of protein. Gotta make up for the horrid weekend.
Carrots and diet coke - 60 cals
Celery and water - 40 cals
Salad with Turkey and Sugar free drink - 70 cals
Pickles - 0 cals
One baked potato chip - 7 cals
Microwave something - 150cals or less
Total: 327 cals

Goal set! Now let's achieve.

3 comments:

  1. I thought the same way! I mean.. I am not etting any younger..it can all only go down hill... all i ever really wanted is to be thin and beautiful! All it takes is 3-4 months of REAL restirictions! and than I can achieve my goal...than why dont we just do it? Because changing ourselves is hard...but once we do, we will be happier with oursleves more than ever...

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  2. Sorry you are having a rough time. Hopefully things are turning around for you and will get better soon. Life sucks sometimes! Hang in there.

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  3. I don't know what's going on in your life, but I hope you get through it ok. I'm happy that you have going home to look forward too.

    Ahhh getting older and completely loosing control over one's appearence. ugh. I can't think about it!

    ~Harlow

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