Monday, April 4, 2011

Body fights and cookies

118lbs this morning.

I didn't believe I could lose a pound and a half since yesterday, so I stepped on and off the scale over and over.

I have.

I would celebrate, but I'm in a weird mood today... Not BAD, necessarily, but not good. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed I guess.

Today's planned intake:
Cottage cheese & Pineapple - 100cals
Cereal - 100cals
Meal with hubby - 150cals
Snack - 100cals
Total: 450 cals and a bit if wiggle room.

For the past few days, my body has been FIGHTING the whole barely eating thing.

Sometimes when I restrict, my body gives in immediately. It doesn't feel as hungry, I don't get weak or fatigued or anything, and if I do, it only lasts about 2 days, and then I feel relatively normal on about 500 calories.

By last night, I was getting VERY annoyed because I was STILL ravenous and it had been 4 days of restricting - plenty of time for my body to give in and accept that I was going to eat less. Plenty of time for my stomach to shrink and be happy with it's small little meals.

I guess that's a good thing, because I'm guessing my metabolism is still working well at this point.

I feel for the past 3 days like I'm SO close to B&Ping that I can almost reach out and grasp it. I guarantee that if I had been home alone at any point over the past few 2 days, I would have. Even now I can think of a LIST of things I would love to scarf down and not worry about and then reject just as quickly. However, not being at home alone kind of paralyzes me in this department and makes me extremely scared that if I attempt it, I'll be caught.

Fear of being caught is the ONLY reason I didn't binge & purge last night.

Fear of being fat is the only reason I'm not binging right now, knowing I won't be able to purge.

I want a cookie so bad... I may chew & spit it.

I'm almost to the point where I'm about to go out and binge and then go find a public restroom to throw up. And that is LOW.

2 comments:

  1. Be strong! Omg 118.. I want to get there so baddly! JEalous

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  2. Don't you love it when you lose weight just like that? It feels like magic. Don't get into the B P cycle. Keep fighting it.

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