Sunday, August 22, 2010

The routine of not tasting

Eating (or rather, NOT eating) has become a routine that I don't think about as much as just do it.

I start off my every morning with a step onto the scale (This morning, 115lbs was my weight. It's okay, considering I had a couple rough days lately, and gained INSTANTLY. It's all gone now though.)

Then I wait for the hunger to become blinding. To the point where I want to run into the kitchen and binge, binge, binge.

BUT instead of doing that, I eat oatmeal or fiber cereal. (100 cals.)

This leads to a BM pretty immediately, after-which I weigh myself again (I don't know WHY, exactly... I have that cereal in my stomach, and the number is usually the same.)

I then flip through fashion magazines and look at the fabulous models and tell myself that I have the ability to do this if I don't fuck up TODAY. That is the vital part. Every day counts.

Then I go about my day until I have to go to work.

At work, I wait again until the hunger is overtaking me and I find myself picking up things (like bread, nuts, etc.) and putting them back down. Mentally slapping myself on the top of the hand.

"Bad Cally! Don't eat that!"

I then have a plum, brought from home or half an apple. (30 cals)

When that's all gone, I pour myself a Sugarfree Red Bull (10 cals) into a cup with ice, and then every time I feel like I want to nibble, I sip it.

One sip, two sips, set back down.

I do this until I've had the entire thing, and then usually by this time, the dinner rush is upon us, and I don't have time to eat a bite.

If it's slow, I wait again for sickening hunger pains and I eat a Cup-o-soup packet (45 cals) but usually this is skipped, for lack of time.

Then, if I get through my entire shift without eating anything more, I allow myself food at home. (No more than 200 cals) but only if I think I can stop after the 200 cals. If I feel insanely hungry to the point of fatigue and deprivation, and I'm scared to eat, sometimes I just don't eat.

This is my ideal routine, and sometimes I don't exactly hit it... Sometimes the soup is traded for another item or the bread wins and I skip the soup AND my meal at home (which was the case last night) or something along those lines.

Last night was not ideal, but I am SO proud of myself.

The hubby and I got into a terrible fight before work (nothing to worry about, he's just insecure sometimes) and then when I got to work there was SO much drama. Gossiping, managers not handling things properly, BULLSHIT. And we were slammed.

All I wanted to do was order pasta with cheese and a sandwich and pig OUT. I was sooo close to a binge, I literally had to take myself into the back hallway and give myself a pep-talk.

"Cally, no. This will only make you unhappier. If you eat it and let it digest, you will be mad when the scale tomorrow reflects it. And if you eat it and purge, you will only be mad that you did it and your mood the rest of the night will be worse either way!"

I breathed in and out and then I was fine. I went back to my Sugarfree Red Bull.

I feel like I'm on the track to thinness.

I feel like one of the major points to all of this is honestly not to think about what something will taste like, but just to eat it.

I can't really ask myself what I'm "in the mood for" because if I do, I think about all the shitty food I want to eat, and I fuck up.

I have to eat by the numbers, and just mindlessly prepare and start eating an item whether the first bite tastes good or not.

Then once I've begun eating the item, I savor its taste. I try to think about all the good elements of its flavor and how when I'm done I won't feel hungry and how it's satisfying me SO much.

It's working.

I just hope I can stick with this routine for as long as possible!

Not Monday thought. Monday a friend of mine is having the hubby and I over for dinner, and I will have to eat a meal.

I plan to NOT eat a bite before said meal and then pick, pick, pick while I'm there...

Wish me luck!

And think thin, ladies.

2 comments:

  1. I'm ecstatic that you're in the right zone! Great job :D Keep it up, you're setting a great example.

    xo
    Victoria

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  2. Wow. you're so strong!
    Sometimes i have weeks where i can go like that, and then suddenly BAM, I'm eating again :(

    But good on you, if it was easy then everyone would be thin.
    We are the few that are strong enough to get there.
    You are many people's inspiration at the moment :)

    Xx. Lillie
    (p.s, i got a new blog alteredcolours.blogspot.com, check it out if you want, but you don't have to.)

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