Saturday, August 28, 2010

Need. To. Work. Harder.

I'm so dazed about what I've eaten today and what I've only contemplated eating, that I couldn't even tell you where I'm at exactly.

At some point today, I calculated a rough 700 (very rough... I'd already forgotten how many bites of what I'd eaten and how many bites of what I deemed too purge-worthy, so this could be too high or too low, for all reality says.)

I know at some point today I decided no more food (I think right after I calculated 700) and then a couple hours later, I ate and felt severe guilt - not my usual binge, per say, only a sandwich on very thick bread and some pasta, but a binge nonetheless, so I purged.

I need to regain control.

I guess that's where I'm going with this...

I'm falling back into my usual gaining cycle. Not that I've ACTUALLY gained, I just know where my behavior is headed... Trying to rationalize eating "normally," telling myself it will be okay when I KNOW it won't, telling myself that I can eat junk for one day and not gain, telling myself that I can stop being an ED girl and be a normal, healthy eater.

But the issue is I don't WANT to go through this cycle again... Because I don't know HOW to be a "normal" eater. I don't know how to sit down to a meal or rifle through my refrigerator or cabinets and choose food without analyzing, going through emotional turmoil, fretting, worrying...

And when I push all this from my mind, and tell myself it's okay to eat, I go crazy.

I lose control. I am weak and fat and disgusting and I let myself EAT for a change, and before I know it, I've consumed far more calories than a "normal" person, because the hunger just won't STOP. I plow through sugars and starches, carbohydrates, refined foods, I ignore calorie lables, fat content, and I think about nothing. I eat quick foods while I cook others, I grab bites of whatever touches my hands, I block everything out and order take-out, enough for 3 people and consume all of it alone.

Then, if I'm not drunk or ridiculously high, I panic. I start calculating once more, analyzing, googling my takeout. I realize I consumed masses of calories, more than allowed for a "normal" person, and many times more than what is allowed for me.

So I tunnel. I block out the thought process. I block out my thoughts and feelings and commit to purging it all up and starting over.

I use the release valve to get rid of the pressure, just as scientific as a machine.

Because nothing is more important in that moment than being thin.

When I look around in my life, thin is ALL I want.

I have everything else, or at least I'm heading toward everything else and feel capable of getting there.

I need inspiration.

And I need to practice being home alone and not purging. Today was a good run... Better than most by far, so I'm not mad.

I just need to work harder.

1 comment:

  1. Oh darling, I do feel your pain and frustration in this.
    Is thin really all you want? What do you want it for? There must be a goal beyond that - what will thin bring you, how will thin make you feel? Think about these things - make it a spiritual quest not just a physical one. Think of the pressure off your chest when you've made it. Think of that.
    I'm standing by you as ever
    Ophelia xx