Not fitting anything

I don’t think I fit in. I don’t think I know how to make friends. I don’t know what’s socially acceptable or not. I don’t know if my life choices have been good. I don’t know how much I really need or want to fit in. I just know it hurts a lot when the bleak reality that I am awkward and unlikable in many ways sets in. 

Somehow I ended up with a spouse. Two actually. And I have dragged friends with me who also over share and embody flakiness. 

I think when you’re young, some behaviors are appealing that when you’re very young are not, and when you’re older are not. These behaviors I embody. So when I was very young, I didn’t fit in. When I was a young woman, I suddenly appealed to people. I knew how to seduce a specific segment of the population. Now as an older person, I am yet again unappealing. 

I never knew how to seduce the rich ones. I don’t fit in in higher society. I didn’t even at my prime. I was awkward and had to fling my body and sexuality so hard into the wind to find a place to fit in that I compromised my sense of self, I think. Maybe I enjoyed it. In a way it was manipulation. I made a significant power move, and I won. But ultimately I was rejected. Sexuality only takes you so far. And now that aspect is gone - I am old and fat and not single. How would I find footing now? Does an education take you that far? Does a job with prestige? Does being a know it all help? I’ve had very few moments of being able to test if I would fit again, and I know they were failed moments. 

I would not be able to find someone who liked me outside of a certain type of person. I can’t imagine friends I go on vacation or trips with. Even when someone likes me, their counterparts don’t. Or my husband doesn’t fit. Or my child doesn’t.  

I see it with Dave and Mike and people online. Meg accepts me because she loves me for some insane reason. Mary accepts me for the same and her husband because he grew up in similar places. They are anomalies. The general consensus is that I am awkward and unlikeable and unattractive. I am annoying. I am bad at the games they play because I have never had the resources to play them. You can look at me and know I don’t belong. 

I only connect with those in the gutter who haven’t left the mentality of the gutter. I don’t connect with those who have never been there. I don’t connect with those who have forgotten they came from there. I connect with those who are still there or who remember very intimately what it is like. 

I look poor. I look dumb. I am those things… and I get to hide behind an absolute sham of a job pretending I have answers and feeding my ego. It must look so prestigious from the outside. I understand politics to a certain level, but then I am lost. 

And I need to understand it better. Because I need money to fit in. I need money to get clients with money. I need to project wealth to get it, but it takes a little of it to get there. 

I wish this migraine would go away. I wish I was thin. How do I lose weight more easily? I’m so stuck and I hate it.