Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Yesterday was messy, today is motivational

I didn't gain yesterday, but I didn't lose either. My current weight is 149lbs, and that number disgusts me sooo deeply.

I know my body, and I know it's resisting now. I just have to keep up the low numbers of cals for a couple days and it will start losing again, probably another 5 until another plateau. My goal is to be 145 by Monday, and if I really stick with it, I know I can do it.

I thought I had it all in the bag yesterday until I got home and high. I woke up feeling thin, went to the pool and the dog park without eating, but then I binged and purged twice, and this morning I was bloaty. I can always tell because my ring will feel SO tight on my finger... I'm dehydrated and it takes about a day of clean eating to get rid of the bloat and toxins.

So far all I've eaten today is some tilapia and green beans, totaling about 200 cals. My weight still said 149 when I weighed in this morning, so if I don't fuck up today, it should be 148 tomorrow, or even lower. The boyrfriend wants to go do a water activity tomorrow since the weather is warm, and the impending swimsuit season has made me realize I'm behind on the loss.

Very very behind.

It sucks that I'm so bad off right now. I don't want to have to watch every bite that goes into my mouth, but I do... If I ever want to be happy with my body again, I have to make some serious changes immediately.

I want to be 127lbs again, that's the UGW right now, but that number is over 20 pounds away... And that is daunting! Last time I was this heavy and had this much to lose, it took me a few months, and then my ED took over, and all I did was teeter back and forth for a couple years in about a 10lb range.

Now, I don't know what my body is capable of or going to do. I'm older, and I don't want to be as thin as I once wanted. I don't want to look sick anymore, just thinner.

Just normal and not super fucking fat.

I don't care of my bones poke out, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. 

My goal right now is as follows:
Monday March 16: 145lbs
March 23rd: 140lbs.
April 1st: 136lbs.
April 15th: 131lbs.
April 30th: 127lbs.

I KNOW I can do this if I just stay focused! Then my summer can begin and I can feel happy in my body again and re-evaluate and start gymming hardcore.

First we get off the fat though...

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