Friday, March 13, 2015

I feel jumbled

I'm stressed and anxious and not myself.

My life is changing SO much lately, I'm starting to get overwhelmed. New goals and ambitions and directions and whatthefuckamidoing...

And then, suddenly, at the same time, I'm reliving huge portions of my past as well. Lying in bed at night, wide awake, digging up things that were buried deeper than I realized and evaluating everything so much... Since January, I've spent hours on end re-living things with the boyfriend and the hubby and where it all went wrong, things with Chevy, things with Bogs and Danny and Bird and Gerard... Why??

I think it's because of school and being forced to look inward a lot since I started... I've come to realize that I don't do that that much. There's a big section of my life for about 3 years where I was on autopilot, and I barely felt anything. When I read back through my blog entries from that period, it feels as if someone else wrote them. Nothing really mattered. All the relationships I formed were superficial, and the one that I formed that wasn't that way was so young and naive and crazy-emotional... Too much for me to handle, and I pulled away. I was so shut-off from my feelings and my goals and ambitions. I simply existed.

I pulled away today too. I feel so weird about what happened, but I can't even justify it... I don't know what happened or why, and I feel too close to that incident to process is properly at this moment.

I had my convention this weekend... I got up, got ready, got myself to the keynote speaker, got overwhelmed, got out of my seat, got into my car, and left.

I was there for about an hour.

I only needed to go to get credit for my degree program, which my conference fees alone provided, but I didn't actually go to anything. I was sitting there trying to absorb, tired because I couldn't sleep at all last night, and worrying about my exam on Monday and the homework I have to do that piled up a bit since I actually took a couple days off to myself over Spring Break.

This huge convention with a million people that I don't know who are actually professionals and have actually proven themselves was simply too much for my tiny brain to handle. I'm trying to remember the differences in historical theory while they're commenting on how their keynote speaker hasn't been a new theorist in a while. I didn't even think about it or even make a decision. There was no conscious thought process involved. All of a sudden, I was putting my phone in my purse and standing up... I just let my feet take over while my mind wandered, and then suddenly I was home.

I crawled into bed and went to sleep for a few hours. I had feverish dreams about being at the convention with one of my classmates, and then I woke up wondering what the dream part actually was and feeling like I hadn't slept at all.

I'm not ready for something like that. New experiences are very difficult for me in general, and then big overwhelming experiences where I'm all alone are worse. I should have made plans to meet up with a classmate, and I guess I still could if I wanted to, but that makes me feel even warier if I think about it...

Now I'm home, and I decided to get some studying done and focus on my homework today only.

The only problem is should I try again tomorrow??

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