I've been binging.
To the point where those late-night commercials about BED that feature that washed up gymnast make me light-headed because she's describing me.
I've been binging so much I make myself sick. So much my hands and feet swell, and I can't stand the thought of one more bite.
I purge, and I go back for more.
I'm so sick lately... Scary sick.
Going back to school has triggered me very badly, and I'm gaining because I'm not consistently purging because I don't WANT to anymore. I want to be all Ana again like I was before. I want to lose a pound a day like I used to be able to and not have to throw up. I'm also scared of the boyfriend finding out in our fucking 600 square foot apartment. It's not like he can't hear me puking or won't ask...
I need to stop eating at night, but I don't know how to... I control and restrict all day, and then I spiral out of control and can't contain myself in the evenings.
I am so FAT right now I want to die. I just want to melt away into a big oily puddle of lard and not be in this body anymore.
I need new rules, new structure, and a new game plan so I can have a new body for goddsake...
B: 1pm: Apple, pill, detox tea: 50 cals
L: 4pm: Veggies OR salad and baked chicken: 150-200 cals.
S: 9pm: Hot tea and (cheese stick & fudge pop) OR (granola bar): 100 cals.
D:11pm: Anything that's low in cals: 250 cals.
This is the current goal, to adhere to this schedule. I am not going to weigh myself for one week, starting today and see how this goes.
I also need to get my fat ass back in the gym, but I think that food is a more pressing issue at the moment... And getting it under fuckinggg control.
Time to think thin again.