Monday, March 9, 2015

Jumbled

I've lost the few pounds I put on since school started. I feel good, but it needs to be more...

This week was crazy and emotional, and it's a miracle I didn't fuck up something terribly.

The boyfriend confuses me and scares me. I don't know sometimes why he's with me or if he even likes me... I think maybe because I don't understand why anyone would like me... But he seems to want me and be invested, and I just hope that lasts...

I saw Bogs this weekend, and it was awful. I don't want him, but I don't want to hurt him. That's a horrible place to be in, and I think I need to stop being selfish and just leave him alone. I need to find comfort elsewhere because using another guy for that is just going to lead to horrible things.

I felt good downtown, but I wished I was with other people. I liked the feeling of how he wanted me so badly, but I also wanted to stay away from it... There's only ever been one man that I felt comfortable and happy with from the very beginning, and I have him waiting at home while I do exactly what he fears I'm doing.

I told him last night: I'm a bitch.

I can't even explain how the boyfriend makes me feel... Like he's just an extension of myself. I don't ever feel grossed out or turned off or annoyed or pity with him... Like I have for all the others. I like how he feels and how he smells and how he touches me. I like how he looks and I have respect for him. And when he's being good and lovely, he makes me feel amazing. He makes me feel like he truly loves me and respects me and wants me. On days when I think I look disgusting and when I feel like the most awful human being on the planet, one smile and one comment can make me feel 100% better in every way... The only bad part is when he takes that away from me it hurts deeper than anything else ever has.

I just get so anxious that he might not have that with me. Those same thoughts and feelings of absolute compatibility and wanting... What if he doesn't, and I'm just getting my hopes up for nothing and one day he wakes up and thinks about someone else when he first opens his eyes? What if he actually does think I'm too harsh and what if he truly does make up his mind to leave one day?

Would I ever be ok again? Is it worth the risk now?

Today's eats:
B: Nothing
L: Salad - 250 cals
D: Tacos made by moi - 250 cals

I want to lose about 5 pounds this week over spring break...  No actual break for me because I have a ton of homework, but I just want a freaking couple days off from responsibility. And I want to go back on Monday with a tan glow and looking leaner.

I couldn't believe Bogs had gained weight. It made me so grossed out; it's kind of shallow and awful... But I'm glad I have my answer... Now if he could just find someone he wants more than me and push me away.

I want him to get mad at me and cut me off like the other ones have. But I also can't find it in my heart to push him to that like I did with all the others because I don't think he deserves it like they did. He's never been a bad person. He's never toyed with me or made me feel shamed or hid me or made me out to be the bad guy. And even when he's been angry with me and done hurtful things, when I went off about it, he didn't react like the others and defend himself and try to point out my flaws. He just genuinely apologized.

So I have to hurt him. I have to hurt him a little now so that I don't hurt him more later.

I'm not a good person sometimes... I wish I could actually show that to people or maybe just stop being that way.

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