Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Lack of Intake

I lost my gain weight. And I'm down an extra lb. Only 4 pounds away from GW#2.

I haven't eaten yet today.

And yesterday was essentially a fast day... I only had a little to eat late in the evening, but managed to go 24 hours without eating, so I consider that a decent fast for me.

Today I didn't have a plan... I just haven't eaten. I've been completely ignoring my body, knowing that if I can just push past the initial intense hunger that I can fast properly for a day.

I'm starting to get rrreally sluggish though...

I may need to throw in some food... The problem is what do I eat??? Could I B&P? Would that be terrible of me? It's been a really long time since I did... I could order some Chinese and eat until I'm popping and purge it all up. ...It's really grotesque but that actually sounds amazing to me...

I don't want to do that though... I need to stop purging. No, whatever I eat today I have to keep down... If I eat.

I'm going to bundle up and smoke a ciggy and decide on this...

Okay done.

I didn't decide. But alas...

Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite sometimes. Or maybe that's not the right word... Sometimes I just feel like I struggle so hard to be the person I want to be. And I NEVER achieve it.

I want to be thin and beautiful and well put-together and organized and perfectly accessorized and I want to be organized and on top of everything and have everything under control at all times and have a clean house all the time and cook amazing meals for people around me and not eat a bite and have a job where I excel and people look up to me and want my position and where I can feel like I accomplished something by going to college.

But I feel like I'm NONE of these things.

I'm okay. I'm average. I'm not put together most of the time because I have no MONEY because I don't have a CAREER because I'm STUCK here! And the things I CAN change, like my weight, I struggle SO hard with. And I let things pile up around me and on top of me because I just get so OVERWHELMED with wanting more out of my life.

I want to be successful.

I want to achieve something with my life and body and be more than I am now.

Because right now I hate myself.

And I hate that I waste my potential.

235 cal meal just now... While writing this.

Glad I didn't binge at least.

I'm still so hungry...

2 hours later.
A binge, a purge, and everything is right in the world.


  1. Have you seen Dandelion Girl's (glitter in the wind) idea for December? You should check it out. Lovely idea, I think.