Monday, December 28, 2009

Purge, purge, purge.

Today's intake: Through the fucking roof.

I purged my brains out... For about 5 straight minutes, no exaggeration.

It felt like hours.

And it left me completely physically and emotionally drained.

WHY do I binge and purge? It's not like it makes me feel good. It DOESN'T.

It used to. I used to feel an amazing high after a binge and purge, but now I can never predict how I'll feel. Either that blissful high I so desire or the lowest of guilty lows...

I feel EXTREME guilt while I am binging, all the while the little voice in the back of my mind saying, "You can purge. Purge. Purge." While my poor belly gets more and more engorged. The bloat making me feel like I'm crushing my intestines.

Then instead of feeling freedom in the fact that I can actually eat what I want, my brain goes into methodical mode.

"Chew, chew chew. Make everything that goes down nice and tiny. Oh, don't eat that, eat the calories that are pleasant to throw up. The things that absorb liquid easily, the small bits, the soft bits. Isn't it weird that you categorize food like that? Oh well. Don't think of that now. We have work to do. Drink the glass of warm water, not too much, there we go. Feel the wave of nausea. Don't burp. Use that gas to help throw up. Grab the toothbrush, fill a glass with water, have a towel nearby. And up it comes. Oh, and don't forget to brush after."

It's so fine-tuned now that it's easy. It's down to a choreographed routine that I can perform at a moment's notice, whenever the longing to eat overtakes me.

And the pivotal moment. Do I feel high or low?

Sometimes it's SO high. I feel on top of the world and like everything bad I have inside has just been flushed away. Like I can BREATHE again. Like everything makes sense and I'm in control. Like everything is righted and I'm right where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

And then other times, I feel the opposite. I feel like crawling into a hole and withering away into nothing. I feel disappointed at myself and SO mad. I've fucked everything up. I was doing well. I know I'll gain if I don't stop the b&ping. My self-esteem plummets and I wish I could be someone else. ANYONE else besides the fat mess that I am. I wish I could be the thin, successful, desirable girl that I long to be. Why can't I be her?

And I never know which feeling will overtake me until I pull my head from the toilet bowl.

I'm mad at myself... I need to gain some fucking control. That's my problem.

I'm down a pound this morning... 2lbs away from my goal.

I need to not eat anything else today.

Today is definitely a low day.

I'm going to go work out. Namely because I need some endorphins.


  1. B&P sessions are... draining to say the least. No pun intended either.
    For me it's a high when i feel like I got everything out..
    And a low when nothing will come out right...
    Control is the goal. I hope your workout helps you find a high.

  2. I feel the same way, about purging being able to create either a high or a low. I guess for me it all depends on how things work out with the purge.