Rejected

I’m having a really hard time believing this will ever get better. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I’m tired of never being seen or heard by anyone. I’m tired of broken promises. 

I’m so fucking tired.

I really wish I could just die.

My children are not what I wanted in life - it wasn’t supposed to be like this. They weren’t supposed to be stepkids with issues and an autistic kid. It was supposed to be a remake of what my parents tried to do, but I was going to do it right. I wanted my daughter so that I could teach her not to turn out like me. 

I wanted a family  

My husband is not what I wanted in life. I wanted a man who would baby me. I wanted a man who would take care of me and understand me and try to protect me. I wanted a man who would take every opportunity to show me he cared. 

I got none of this. 

And I look around and I see that other people that have it, and I don’t know what I did so wrong to not deserve those things. I’ve tried so hard my whole life to be a good person. To be a good girl. I have always really tried to do my best, and it was just never enough. No one ever told me I was enough. It never mattered. A’s for effort don’t exist. 

Why is it my destiny to suffer? Why can’t I ever have anyone who sees me and accepts me? 

My urge to run away from everything is growing stronger and stronger. My urge to self injure is strong as ever. Yesterday I almost did. I almost took a safety pin and ripped it under my skin. If I had the spiral notebook wire I used to use, I would be cutting myself right now with it. 

I just want to die, because there is no escape.

I want this suffering to end, and it never will. I’m in too deep. And it’s just getting deeper and deeper, and I cant back out now. It’s just going to get worse. I’ve never gotten a period of my life where I didn’t have to constantly work so hard. And it’s never enough for people. And I’m just getting older where things get harder and harder. It will never slow down. There is no light at the end of the tunnel or date I’ll get out of this prison. There is literally only suffering. 

I wish I knew what it was like to be happy. Moments may exist, but they’re always overshadowed by reality. I can try to ignore it, but it’s always just there under the surface - I hate myself.

I hate myself, because I have always been treated like people hate me. The only times in life I’m accepted are when I’m faking things. 

I really hoped my husband would be the one to change this for me, but he hasn’t.

A decade has passed, and he’s still not decided on staying with me, and I know it. Lately it’s much clearer that he’s hating me. He’s pulling away, and I can’t stop him from doing that. He wanted what I faked to be, and I can’t be her. My life has so much shit in it that she is buried. Sometimes I can spin the plates, but mostly I just drop them all the time.

Every time I look in the mirror I see my mom. I wish I didn’t look so much like her. I wish I didn’t hate my parents and I wish they would have accepted me for me. I wish they would have done more when I know they were actually capable of more. 

I’ve never felt truly loved by anyone - it always has conditions. And when I don’t follow the conditions, I get abused. And most of the time I don’t even know what the conditions are. I just know when I’m failing. 

All I wanted was to go on a date today. And he doesn’t. And that fucking hurts so deeply because I thought our distance was circumstance but it’s because he genuinely doesn’t like me. 

I don’t fit in. I never will. I don’t think anyone will ever love me the way other people are loved.