I got into bed to sleep last night.
I'm becoming immune to sleepy allergy pills. And I just could NOT empty my head. 2 days ago I was so clear. Even my B&P was calculated, clear, concise. Every thought was ordered. And now yesterday and today I'm a clutter-head.
It's because I'm WORRIED.
About money and finding a job and being an adult and forcing myself to be who I want to be and not who I am... The scale read 2lbs lighter today than yesterday. It felt good but not good enough. I've been here too many times before.
My intake today has been as follows:
Cream of wheat - 100 cals
"Apple crisp" bake - 130 cals (recipe below)
Stuffing (I know... Bad.) - 110 cals
Orange - 40 cals
Total - 380cals
I may allow another orange later or maybe some celery or popcorn for about 50 cals. We shall see.
It's 7pm, and I am not very hungry right now. Lately I don't get hungry until late at night. And then I watch episodes of "Intervention" on Youtube about girls with EDs and it makes me not even THINK of food.
I need a job... Someone hire me so I don't have to worry about employment or money... Just fat and calories and binging and purging and weight... You know, business as usual.
Recipe as promised:
In case I've never posted this recipe before (and I believe I haven't) here is my amazing "apple crisp" recipe. Nice in cold months or when you're desperately craving a dessert. It actually tastes really GOOD.
One apple diced - 60 cals
1TB raisins - 30 cals
2TB dry oatmeal - @40 cals depending on what you buy
Generous sprinkle of your favorite no-cal sweetener - 0 cals
Generous sprinkle of cinnamon - 0 cals
1 TB butter spray - 0 cals
2 TB of water - 0 cals
Total: 130 cals
Spray a small casserole dish with 0cal non-stick spray.
Mix the above ingredients in the dish and press them down to a uniform height, making sure everything is moist.
Cover and bake about 15 minutes, until the apples are done when you poke with a fork and it's all slightly bubbly.
Uncover and continue to bake until the top is slightly crispy, about an additional 5 minutes.
It's good. And hot as fuck when it comes out of the oven, so you eat it slowly.
Plus, apples are pretty harmless, right?