Saturday, August 19, 2017

Please lose weight 

600 calories today. Tomorrow I weigh in. This morning my weight was ok, but the wedding is closer than I want it to be for where my weight is at. 

I want to head into pregnancy thin. I plan to let myself recklessly lose weight until November when we get married and then start having unprotected sex and attempting pregnancy. Then, once the baby is out, I can recklessly lose weight again. 

I started my new job. It's been a stressful transition, and sitting in trainings with other new people and a room full of HR is wildly unnerving. But, I really like it. I just hope I continue to for a long time. It's such satisfying work and the environment seems perfect. I can't wait to actually get to work and start getting paid.

I had a dream about Jay last night. It was unnerving. I don't want to remember him. But there he was in my dream - all mouthy and beautiful, just like always. Our goodbye felt so incredibly unfinished that it still haunts me a little bit. But what can I really do?

Just like Adam. We didn't get a goodbye. We both opted out. He knew it was too late. And I didn't want one last flight before I left town. His number is blocked, and while in thinking about it, I'm going to block a few others. 

Tomorrow's goal is to keep the eating to a minimum. I just want to be thin so badly right now. Lately I feel so terribly fat. I can't stand it. I'm tired of hating myself. 

Think thin. 

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