Friday, October 7, 2011
Loss of weight and loved ones
Weight loss = happeningggg! Thank the baby Jesus.
I got super sick this week with the flu, but now that it's over, I can go back to losing. I feel like I'm in a pretty good spot right now mentally, and for once my body is cooperating.
In other news...
I'm a bit sad today... I had crazy dreams last night (attributing them to being sick) and dreamed about Chevy.
I was in a restaurant with a group of people... All of my friends, family, and they were celebrating something for me. Some accomplishment or a birthday... Not sure what. Everyone was laughing and talking and drinking and socializing, and then his face...
It's so weird how in my dreams it's so clear. His face, his voice, his hands, all just how I remember.
He bursts through the crowd, grabs me and hugs me so tight. He tells me he misses me.
Then I wake up... I lie in bed for a minute, and I think about all the SHIT he put me through, and I wonder why I always think about him and miss him.
I loved him.
I wouldn't say I was in love with him by any means, and I am SO thankful that nothing every happened with us, but it still hurts when you love someone and have to move on from them.
There have only been three people that I've had to do that with in life.
The first one was my ex boyfriend, the second one was my best friend Mark, and the third one was Chevy.
Every time it happened, it hurt me SO much...
My ex was the worst, because I was IN love with him... I think about him occasionally now, and I know it was for the best. He was insane, intense, and not able to be with me like I needed.
He's still single. I know because I look at his facebook on a pretty regular basis. His longest relationship since the girl he cheated on me with was 2 weeks. In 4 years.
Then Mark. God I still miss him. I look at his facebook occasionally, and I wish SO badly that I could be a part of his life again. I don't understand really why we're not friends anymore, why be ditched me from his life, but I suspect it's because he loved me even more than I loved him.
We were always so close... Best friends since the age of twelve. I honestly thought when I was younger that I would marry him. That he would be my great love in life. That we would grow up, get married, and have a family together.
But life doesn't work out that way. For YEARS, one or the other of us was in a relationship. We kept missing each other on the romantic front. But we were best friends. Even when my ex tried to make up stop talking, threatened me, and made me get rid of all of my guy friends, I refused to get rid of Mark. And when my ex dumped me, he was there with open arms, answering my phone calls at 2am and excusing himself from his cuddle session with his girlfriend to comfort and console me.
The last time I saw him, I was dating my hubby, but we were in a rough patch. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him long-term and we were at a make or break time in our relationship. I needed to clear things up with Mark before I made a flying leap into this new relationship.
So my parents coordinated a vacation, I spent days with him, and I finally asked him.
"Cally, you're not the one for me."
Those words hurt a lot more than I thought they would, but I had my answer. He didn't love me like I thought he did, and he told me to move on. So, I did.
Our friendship was still there. He had girlfriend after girlfriend, and I talked him through all of his drama. He was still my best friend, and my hubby accepted that.
When I moved closer to him, I was excited to have our close friendship again. But it didn't work out like that. He avoided me. He never came to visit me and always had a reason why I couldn't come visit him. He never wanted to meet my hubby.
I got engaged. We talked. Things were becoming so strained, and I didn't understand why.
Then those fateful months of wedding planning were the final nail in the coffin. I sent him a wedding invitation and never heard from him again. I called, texted, e-mailed, and never even heard from him if he was coming to my wedding or not.
Needless to say, he didn't. He got engaged less than a year later to a girl he has only known and been dating about 6 months. I don't judge him. I hope with all of my heart their relationship is perfect and everything he ever hoped for.
I just don't understand why he rejected me so suddenly. I gave him the opportunity. I tried to maintain our friendship, but I couldn't do it alone.
My friend Kristy says it's because he's always been in love with me. I believe that deep down. I know our friendship probably wouldn't have lasted forever. But why, when he should have been happy for me, did he reject me? Why couldn't he have been honest if he wanted something more?
Then I meet Chevy. Another wonderful guy friend. Only he's not interested in only being friends. The drama unfolds, and before I know it, I love him, but I can't.
Why does it hurt so much to move on? Why do I think of them on occasion, like a rainy afternoon when I'm home alone and listening to music?
Why do I feel the urge to call them but know that they won't want to talk to me?