Sunday, October 24, 2010

No blowing today.

I didn't get in my workout yesterday.

My fucking gym was closed. CLOSED! I was so pissed off. Apparently the card reader was not working so for security purposes no one could enter until it was fixed.

SO I went to work and had a SHITTY night. I fucking HATE my job and am sooo ready to leave in a month. There is so much drama.

Then I got home and blew it. I was emotional and blew it.

I'm not trying to justify my blowing it. I'm just a fatty mc-fatterson, and I DEFINITELY BLEW it.

Not today though. I will not blow it today.

I'm trying not to get discouraged, because that is exactly what happens.

If I fuck up one day and then get right back on track, I'm fine.

If I fuck up TWO days, I get totally discouraged and I think, "What's the point??? I can't regain control and I'm going to be fat anyway, I might as well eat."

And then I eat and eat and eat.

I have no normal eating patterns anymore in life. I either eat like an ana girl or I binge. There is no longer ANY middle ground.

Kind of scary, if you're thinking from a normal person's perspective.

But all I can think is life can be perfect soon. I just need to eliminate binge girl.

I'm tipping the scales toward ana.

I think one of my biggest issues when I binge is that it's late at night... I go through the ENTIRE day doing well, and then lo and behold, I lose control and I binge.

Last night I began my binge at MIDNIGHT. Disgusting.

I remember back when I used to have control over things in life, I used to stop eating every night at 10pm. I get up later in the day, so this is not an unrealistic time of day.

Starting today, I'm putting that back into effect.

No food after 10pm.

No more binging at night, getting a crazy burst of energy and binging more.

From now on, if it's not consumed by 10pm, I don't get to eat it.


1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean, dear.
    You will get your control back. You sound motivated, and you can do it.
    Night snacking has always been my downfall. We will defeat it together <3
    Have a great day, love.