Friday, January 15, 2016

The boyfriend

I feel better today.

I was anxious this morning, but the boyfriend and I spent quite a bit of time together, and I think that helped, honestly... He always makes me feel better.

He's sleeping next to me on the couch right now, and I kissed his forehead, and he said, "I love you" half asleep. He means it. I can tell by the way he looks at me and the sound of his voice when he says it that he sincerely and deeply loves me.

It's such an honor. 

Sometimes he's not very good at being a boyfriend or even an adult, but I don't question that his love for me is definitely real... I think I'm finally starting to believe that and to see that all of our past actions and hurt have never been a factor in that area. I worry and stress, but deep down I know he's not going anywhere. I think this will always work... I think we're good together and everyone sees it. I think our bond is strong because we can rely on one another when things are hard - we have already done it so many times.

Every day with him, I love him more. And he loves me, and it shows. No matter how much I cannot fathom someone as amazing as him wanting someone like me, he still does. He could do better. He could have someone like Michelle. And sometimes when I look at him, I can't understand how we ended up together, against ALL odds.

I'll never forget the first night I met Tanya, and she told me, "No one wants him" when I scooped him up in a drunken stupor. She had misread our fight earlier, thinking I was jealous of their friendship. She was trying to reassure me that not only did she not want him, but no one else from their world did either. I think she was wrong though... He's so wonderfully contagious. Lots of people would want him.

And sometimes when we spend time together, and I see my reflection or just stop for a second and look at myself, I cannot believe that he wants me. I feel so incredibly ugly in comparison to him. I have to literally avoid looking at myself at times just so that I can stay focused on enjoying my time with him and not thinking about how disgusting I am...

We went grocery shopping this morning. It seems so insignificant, but it was much needed, in several respects. It was also so incredibly fucking pleasant. It's crazy how nice it can be to do something so lame...

It's amazing how much he builds me up and how easily he handles my crazy. He knows it's there. We both do. It's obvious. But it doesn't seem to bother him that much for some reason. He tries to pull me back and give me tough love, and he doesn't run from it. He puts up with it and rides it out and tells me I'm worth it. I don't know how that's possible... I've always tucked it away, and others have seen it and run.

When my crazy is out strong, I hide. I pull away from people and interaction and even leaving my house. That's what I've been doing for days now... I've avoided Donna and Lolly and even Ee a bit... I just withdraw when I feel overwhelmed. Today I almost did it with the boyfriend. I told him I would go shopping alone, but when I asked on a whim if he would join me, suddenly everything got better.

He makes my world a brighter place. And I am so grateful, because I know it would be a dark place without him.

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