Monday, September 7, 2009

Broken fast... Not a shock.

I broke my fast.

Because I'm a weak, fat individual.

My blood sugar got REALLY low at work, so I told myself I could eat ONE piece of chocolate.

BAD idea.

Fucking trigger food.

Then I ate some fucking pasta.

It wasn't really a binge, in the sense that I didn't go on a rampage eating everything in sight, but I planned on FASTING, so it was way more than I should have consumed... SO I threw it all up.

At first I tried to convince myself that it was okay... But I couldn't stop myself. When I kept thinking about the fact that I ate CHOCOLATE and PASTA, I got so panicked that I just had to.

Why can't I binge on lettuce or something?

And I felt SO terrible. I almost started crying. I felt like a complete failure and like I'm going to be fat fucking forever.

Everyone at work kept asking what was wrong with me, so I told them I didn't feel well. Which was TRUE because a.) I was mad at myself and b.) My stomach hurt from throwing up so hard.

SO I came home early, and now I feel like crap-ola.

I'm so mad I fucked up my fast... Just because I threw it up doesn't mean it didn't count.

Now I'm contemplating going to the B-day dinner or not... Since everyone saw me feeling sick, I could probably get away with just ordering a small salad and picking at it, and I guess it would be okay if I fasted all day until then.

It would be an official 24 hour fast, and it that's all I ate all day, maybe it would be okay?

I think so... I'll get a salad and a side of broccoli, and that's all.

And I'll attempt another fast some other time this or next week.

I need to re-gain self control!

2 comments:

  1. Good girl! You may have eaten, but you've picked yourself right back up and started again! Well done for your assertiveness.
    You're already stronger then you think
    xx

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  2. Good job =)
    Mad attitude with choosing to start again and getting through the 24 hours.

    xx

    ReplyDelete