The scale said 115lbs this morning.
I was shocked.
But I got on and off about 5 times and THAT, ladies, is what is ACTUALLY said. I am only 5 pounds away from my [ultimate] goal weight. 5 measly little pounds.
My method is working... And I'm SO elated.
Lately, I feel ana taking over again...
A co-worker offered me a donut yesterday... I said, "No thanks. My stomach hurts a bit and I probably shouldn't have all that sugar."
What I was REALLY thinking was, "Oh man... Those are my favorite junk food on the planet, and just you offering me one is causing me to have a MASSIVE panic attack. It makes me want to grab that flimsy box out of your hands, polish off every last one and then run into the bathroom and throw up once I know they're good and soggy in my stomach. Just you offering me is making me freak the fuck out right now, and the smell of that sweet sugary glaze is making me want to punch you in the face, because I know I can't have one, and how DARE you offer me!? I know if I give in to that one little morning treat, I'll give in all day long."
Then lunch rolls around... They have all been ordering in from this pizza place in town that has SUCH good food... The smell fills the office SO frequently it drives me bonkers...
"Do you want anything?"
"No, I think I'm good."
"You didn't bring a lunch... And Pat's off so you can't go out... What are you going to eat?"
Cornered. Completely fucking cornered.
Cornered by one of the sweetest men on the planet, the donut guy, the jokester that I laugh with all day long, the 40-something-year-old bachelor that everyone loves because he's just so NICE to be around... I want to punch him for the second time in 4 hours. For a second, I feel guilty about this.
"Oh I forgot she's off! Yeah, I guess. Let me see the menu."
I browse. There's nothing. Not a damn thing that an ana girl should eat. Panic attack ensues once again. The longer I read the menu the more panic ensues.
"What are you gonna get?"
"I think I might get a veggie calzone."
"Ooh good choice. Will you order everything for us?"
Ding ding ding! Bingo! If I order myself, I can get whatever. I can special order things and not look like a weirdo. I can get a small Greek salad and an unsweet tea, and when it arrives, I can say, "Yeah I just decided to get a salad. I didn't realize it would be so small." Then when they have to run back out onto the sales floor, I can scrape off the cheese, use almost no dressing and only eat half.
And that's what I did.
And I wasn't even hungry.
Then dinner rolls around every night... I cook for the hubby and I. I make meals that seem like I eat plenty. We've had pulled pork, pot roast, stuffed pasta, and Pad Thai this week... I cook it myself so I KNOW it's as low calorie as possible, I veggie-load at every meal, I put small portions on small plates so it looks like more.. I try to keep it around 300 cals, but even if I don't... It's only one meal. The one I have all day, so even if it's 500, I'm still good.
It's been genius. Pure genius.
I have coffee or tea or diet soda at breakfast time to give me a caffeine metabolism boost. I do the same at lunch and I throw in a couple skittles or a lollipop. We have a candy machine at work that dispenses one little handful at a time... I get my handful, count out the ones I deem okay to eat and chuck the rest in the trash before I can contemplate it too much.
And I'm chained to that desk with no escape all day, so even if I WANTED to eat something, I have no opportunity until I get home and cook dinner.
And normally by then my stomach is so shrunken I can't eat as much as I'm allowed.
Today is the real test, however... Today I'm off and at home. I decided I'm going to paint my bedroom and bathroom (we still haven't since we moved in months ago) so that my house looks nice when Elise comes to visit me this weekend.... I'm psyched.
She's my cute body friend... We all have one. She doesn't make me feel SO bad because her body type is not what I like or want... But it's cute, and she doesn't have an ounce of fat on her.
So I need to get to that point as well.
Well, off to the store to buy paint, ladies! Think thin!