I'm back on track, ladies.
You didn't know I was OFF track in the first place because I have not been posting as promised, but I am!
I have a deadline... I have ten days to lose ten pounds. Or at least 8. Is this possible? Yes, with a bit of work.
Two days ago, I weighed myself, and the number was disgusting... I've been maintaining around 120lbs, wishing it was 110lbs or, hell, even 115lbs, but nope...
And then I stepped on the scale for the first time in a few days, and WHAM.
I was up SO high, higher than I've been in a year probably. And it clicked in my brain...
I. Need. Ana.
I've been all over the place lately... Binging and purging and binging and not purging and gorging myself and just having the most FUCKED UP food experiences ever lately.
This is ALWAYS what happens when I think, "I want to be normal and enjoy food again." I go overboard... I consume everything around me and it's not enough, so I blow all my money and then puke it away and it inevitably leads me to gain.
And I DID.
Then I start having nightmares and getting bloated and nauseous and I look at my body and my swollen breasts and I think how AWFUL I look, how fat and disgusting, and feel like I want to DIE. Because I know that it wouldn't take too long to go back to being 160lbs again... A couple months of behaving like that, and they weight would rush back on.
So, I'm once again deciding to give in. With Ana, I feel safe. I feel like I'm in control. I count and measure and I KNOW that if I adjust the numbers low enough, I can obtain whatever I want.
And I want to be THIN. I want to go out this summer to the beach with my friends and wear a bikini and not have to un-tag every photo on facebook because I don't look good in any of them.
Another struggle lately has been figuring out my physical activity. At my previous job, I walked all night long. Now, I sit for 8 hours a day. And my gym is too far away to go on my lunch break, so it's either wake up early or go after work. And honestly, going after work is out because I don't get home until 6:30pm and the hubby is normally starving by then! So, I've been trying to go before work, but some nights I don't get to bed on time for WHATEVER reason, and I don't make it happen.
It's just an adjustment. I'm going to get there. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to try to go Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday of every week and then Sunday or Wednesday if possible, depending on what I have to do. Those are my days off, and sometimes it's impossible for me to get there.
I'll manage a routine soon, but over the past 2 days I've been focusing on getting my eating under control... Basically here is what I have been eating:
B: Coffee & Splenda - 0 cals
L: Iced Tea or diet pill and @ 8 Skittles - 30 cals
D: A "Normal" Meal - 300 cals max.
I don't eat anything all day until around 3pm when I have the Skittles to boost my blood sugar so I can drive home. Then I cook a meal in an ana-approved way and make sure I don't go overboard... And my stomach is so shrunken by not eating all day that usually I don't WANT to eat that much and I get full very quickly.
My only issue is that most days I have to take an HOUR for lunch, which means I need to find something I can do that's not eating during that period... I realize that I should probably spread out my calories more throughout the day so I'll probably by incorporating a small lunch (ie an apple or something) here soon. Don't want my metabolism to slow down! But eating that is not going to take me an HOUR, and in order to avoid my coworkers and their plethora of junk food (19 men, 2 women... That is our staff. Needless to say there's a lot of junk.) I need to find a way to occupy myself, preferably away from the break room which smells like food all day long and the vending machine which is FULL of my favorite junk foods.
Avoiding is working, though.
I've lost SIX pounds in two days. I don't even know HOW that is possible, but it is. I really have. I haven't been that bloated or constipated or anything either... Fairly normal and gaining at a slow but steady pace, and then WHAM. SIX of the pounds gone.
I think I'm going to attempt the library tomorrow during my break. Then at least I can use their internet and possibly read a bit.
In other news...
Things are a LOT better now at my job. I STILL don't like the girl I work with, but I talked to my boss a bit about everything, and they're trying REALLY hard to work with me and have basically told her that she's to stay in her area and leave me to mine. They want me to stay really badly.
But, I'm not. In fact, I begin classes soon to get my certification to work at a Pre-K. I'm soo excited. Not only will it be WAY more fun and exciting, but it will be more active too, which I NEED.
Other than that, my weight's coming off, and I'm excited. I want to be the same size this year on my anniversary as I was last year, I want to be thin for Memorial Day weekend and they friend activities that are supposed to take place, and I want to wear a bikini and not feel gross for the first time ever.
Diet Coke cheers to that!
Think thin, ladies!