Mia, smoking, and the like

Bulemia scares me.

Worse than anorexie or whatever... It scares me to see what I'm capable of.

I threw up in the sink while the fiance was in the bathroom. I threw up 3 times that day and took a laxative, and so forth... I've been throwing up almost daily.

This seems like SUCH a HORRENDOUS thing to do, but it doesn't bother me when I'm in the moment. And after, it all seems so foggy, like I couldn't have possibly done it... That I don't even feel regret... I feel regret for eating the food in the first place, but not for throwing it back up.

I need to stop... I don't like how I feel when I feel bad, and I feel like I should feel bad, but when I don't it's even worse because I feel bad for feeling good.

That's a ramble.

Today's intake:
Veggie Pita - 165
Bites of stuff at work - ??200??
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10

Total: 375?

I'm about to go out with the fiance for a couple drinks, and I am really hungry and hoping I don't get sick from drinking on an empty stomach... I'm sure to get drunk quickly tonight.

My weight has plateaued. And I know it's from all the mia and then eating again when I'm stoned... Yesterday and today have been good, but 2 good days doesn't yet make up for 4 bad...

I need to STOP smoking and get back on track here.

I need to stop being depressed too because I eat more when I don't feel well... And lately, I have been totally MISERABLE.

But my birthday is Feb 22nd, and I need to be thin by then... I think we're going back home, and if that's the case I need to look fab.

Nighty night, ladies... I'll catch up with all of you as soon as I can... Not much privacy at the moment... And I have tons of thinspo on my home computer that I'll be posting soon.

Think thin!