Sunday, January 24, 2010

Plateau & fiance worries

I've stayed at 120lbs for a couple days now, which is rare for me... Normally with the restricting I've been doing, the weight drops quicker.

Quicker than a couple DAYS, you ask? WTF? I know... But it does.

However, I was fucking RAVENOUS all day yesterday and I was talking to a co-worker and realized it's because today is my last BC pill which means period coming tomorrow.

Explains a LOT.

Like why my skin is a war zone and why I'm not showing a scale change, and why I consumed over 600 cals yesterday.

Honestly I'm okay with yesterday because while I had a teeny relapse, I still did pretty good. And man it was hard because I felt like all I wanted to do yesterday was EAT, so I'm satisfied with myself.

I'm hoping that the "not losing" quickly turns into losing some lbs once the first few days of my period are over.

In other news...

Lately I have been EXTREMELY paranoid about the fiance finding my blog... Like I have panic attacks. Especially if I know he's home alone or if I'm in the shower or down at the fitness center, whenever he could potentially be on the computer with me blissfully ignorant somewhere else.

I freak OUT.

My pulse sky-rockets, I start sweating, I have these thoughts that swim around and around how he would react, what it would do to our relationship, that he would make me stop, watch me like a hawk, etc.

I get SO freaked out that he'll find this and make me choose ana or him. And I would choose him, but I don't want to HAVE to choose. It's better if he doesn't know and I just continue to get thinner.

I just don't want him to know how much I've lied to him or how much I've hid from him. He asks me how long it's been since I've thrown up on purpose, and I always say something like, "I don't know, it's been a LONG time." When in reality it has NOT been a long time at ALL.

Sometimes it's been that day or the day before.

And part of me just wants to come out and tell him, confess my sins, but I CAN'T.

I want to, but I can't tell anyone about this... Except you ladies.

Thanks for always being there for me.

Today's plan of attack:

1hr gym - CHECK! Burned 355cals.

Bran Cereal - 110 cals
Southwest Salad - 110
1 Tostado - 100
Rice cake - 30
Total: 350!
-5 cal day.

If I MUST go over this, I am allowing myself one orange for 50 cals, because it's a negative calorie food.

Thinspo time... I've got quite a collection lately.


  1. Metabolismmmmmmm!
    Muscle mass!
    Green tea!
    Don't you think the girl bent over with her undies showing is a little ridiculous, thinspiration or not?

  2. Um, yeah... Ha!
    But I want her thighs like woah-damn.

  3. I get so worried about my blog being found by someone I know, it's why I'm scared about putting pictures up.

  4. Oh Cally! You have to stop throwing up. Seriously. It's so crazy... You don't have to choose between the two. You don't have to have an eating disorder! You can still be skinny without it. 350 calories is amazing. You'll get there in no time. Stay strong and keep going. Don't give up, don't give in.

    Holly x x x

  5. I love the thinspo on this post. The girl in the second picture-WANT HAIR LIKE HERS!!!

    Be careful with puking, try and get in it check before it gets you...