Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Choices

From 1/18/10

It's horrendous how disgusted I am with myself right now.

I feel horrible. My stomach is engorged and bloated.

I'm so FULL. So full of crap but so empty inside.

I took 2 laxatives to flush it all out. I know they're bad, but I need to start over. I need to get back on track. I need to get my head straight. I'm gaining because I've been binging. Sometimes purging, sometimes not. Constant nightly binging.

I'm loosing all control.

This cannot go on.

Mentally it's hurting me and physically it's no better. My teeth HURT lately. They're sensitive and constantly agitated. My stomach and intestines have no idea what's going on. Laxatives, throwing up, no food, tons of food... I have lost all sense of consistency and my body is objecting.

I thought it was just the weed that was enabling me to eat, but it's not.

My brain is all over the place. My actions are all over the place. My body is all over the place. In both senses of the statement.

For the first time, I feel really Fucked Up.

Like I'm realizing how deep this goes and how much of a problem I have and like I have to choose to either get better or worse.

I choose ana.

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