Sunday, January 31, 2010

Kick my own butt

I'm sitting at work, and there is not a thing going on tonight... I'm holed up in the office hoping that 9:30pm comes fast.

My bout of depression is doing better... I don't know what is negatively affecting my mood lately...

Yes I do.

I'm a fat ass.

I went to the gym near my apartment today to check them out because they are running a beginning of the year special, and I wanted to see if I would be interested.

They weighed me. And took my BMI. I would not have gone if I had known how awkward and weird I would have felt afterward, all these trainers saying I was looking great... The fattest "Exercise Coordinator" I've ever seen telling me exercises I might want to try to achieve my goals.

The whole thing was totally uncomfortable.

And then the worst part.

My weight said 127 on their scale.

Mind you, this was before I had peed, had a BM or anything today AND fully clothed in pants and sleeves with shoes and all, but I was not taking any of this into consideration.

My mood plummeted. The lady is telling me all about the facility, what they offer, blah, blah, blah, and all I can think about it "One-twenty-SEVEN!? Are you JOKING!?" I didn't even listen.

In matters of my weight, logic fails me.

I didn't contemplate my clothes, shoes, BM, etc until I had gotten home and weighted myself on my own scale (it said 120 after I pottied). Then I jumped on Google, and realized that I probably weight about 122 right now (The BM, pee, clothes and shoes probably equaled 5lbs when I looked everything up.) which means my scale is about 2lbs off.

Not too terrible, but I'm still freaked... It made me realize that I need to get back on track. I keep getting close to my goal and then fucking it up and losing sight of what I want again... And that need to end before I really AM 127 again.

People just make me complacent... The fiance says I'm gorgeous, calls me skinny, says I can afford to eat junk food with him. Sandy says I look skinny, asks if everything is okay, says and it's scary how some girls lose too much weight. Cher asks me exactly how much weight I'm trying to loose for my wedding, comments I'm wasting away to nothing. And while I can never find the appropriate response to these moments, they make me feel amazing... People are noticing my body change right along with me... I'm getting thinner, and people notice.

But it's not thin enough.

I know what I want, and I need to go after it!

It's the 31st... My New Year's resolution was to eat 500 cals a day or less and work out 4 times a week minimum for at least 45 mins. This is possible, and my month of not resolving is over.

The first is my new beginning.

Today is my new beginning.

No more depressed Cally.


  1. I'm always nervous that my scale is off.
    I don't know how to test it, though. And I don't have time in the mornings to run to the fitness center to weigh myself this week, so I'll have to wait until Saturday. Ack.

    Isn't it crazy how two pounds can make or break our day?

  2. I always stress that somehow my scale is wrong and that when I get on another scale I'll be bigger. Plus my scale gets weird sometimes and gives me different results in different rooms and sometimes one room is heavier one day and lighter the next. Today 1st feb is a new start for me too, good luck :)