Oh, Jay

Jay and I had a two week period where we barely spoke... I got upset and then did the girl thing where I told him I was upset and then refused to talk about it. He chased me.

Last night I went out with coworkers for a couple drinks. He followed me over and we ended up talking things through. I know he's messy, but I like him. I think he's smart and funny and nerdy and cute. I think he is interesting, and if I had my way, we'd spend more time together. He asked me about Wednesday, and I hope we end up doing something together...

I hoped last night he would kiss me. I wanted one. Badly. But it's too fragile right now, and I know that, so I let it go. I hope he was thinking about it also... I wish I would have cheek pecked him, but we started getting giggly and goofy right before I said goodnight to him.

I spent Thanksgiving away from the ex, drinking and being emotional but keeping myself under control. I hope I didn't make a fool out of myself, because I felt like maybe I was. I constantly feel that way lately...

Most days I don't know how to feel or what to feel, so I just wait. I don't make decisions, and I don't do things I don't want to do. I wanted to see the ex and the kids on Friday, so I took them all to lunch, but it wasn't what I wanted. It stresses me out to be with all of them. I end up throwing money at the situation and then running. I get uncomfortable. It's always stress with them. It's so dysfunctional in so many various respects that I feel myself wanting to run.

Last night he was texting me about other boys and being paranoid that they would get to touch me or what have you, and I ignored him. I was getting annoyed, and Ee told me, "Just don't respond then."  So, I didn't. And I didn't feel guilty. I felt free. And I enjoyed myself without checking my phone and without worrying about someone else for a single night. He wanted to come over tonight, and I said no. He asked me about Ee's birthday, and I said I wasn't going, but I didn't give him some big long reassuring story, and I told him from now on, I'm going to ignore the crazy texts.

I think that is part of the appeal of Jay... It's going slow, but it's genuine, and he doesn't seem to want to change who I am. He seems to like who I am, and every time I spend time with him, I feel genuinely bonded to him in a way that makes me scared to lose him. Sometimes I think the ex wants to change me as much as I want him to change his dysfunctional things. I want him to make healthy changes and he wants me to become something I'm not ever going to be... I think the physical violence came from somewhere that's not better, and I wonder it if ever will be. I don't think we truly love what the other person is. I think I've changed too much for the better and he hasn't changed enough. We fell in love with ideals that doen't exist. As for the future, who knows what people we will be... But right now it's not working. And I think it's more than just the drinking. I think he doesn't trust me and wants me to dress and act and talk a certain way that I'm not. I want to be faithful because I'm happy and not out of obligation or feeling like I should behave a certain way.

With Jay, I am honest, and he takes it. He's honest with me, and I can tell. He opens up to me... He tells me private things, and I find myself telling him private things in return. And before I can feel weird about it or like it makes me a worse person, he says something to make it feel ok. He told me last night I'm different from all of our coworkers. "All of them" he said and motioned into the building. He told me, "You're amazing."

I have such a nice time spending time with him. We nerd over science and our favorite TV shows and just talk about random shit, and it feels effortless. It feels like it did with Bogart, except with Bogart I wasn't attracted to him. That has been the case with all the fuck boys - I'm either attracted and it's hard af to have the relationship, or it's effortless, but I'm not attracted. With Jay it feels like both. I'm crazy attracted... I'm practically slapping myself in the face for not trying to kiss him last night. And I re-live that night in my car a LOT lately... And it's effortless. And he's told me when it's not to get mad at him and call him out. Who does that??

But still I don't know how to feel... Maybe I just never do...

Blue Jay

I like Jay. I don't want to...

We've been talking almost daily, and we went out for drinks on Friday. I could tell at the bar that he wanted to kiss me, but I didn't expect anything to really happen. I was hoping for maybe a peck, or at the most a few minutes of kissing. The last time we went out for drinks, he didn't kiss me at all or even walk me to my car, so I wasn't holding my breath. I had been questioning if he was even interested until this week when he was drunk texting me telling me how gorgeous I am and how every time he sees me he fantasizes about going down on me, which blindsided me a little.

Friday he walked me to my car and pulled me in for a hug, standing next to my car with the driver's door open, and didn't let go. He made a little shaky breathing noise, and suddenly we were kissing. I have tried to figure out who kissed whom, but I think we both just kissed each other. Then he started making out with me. He was hungry and aggressive and passionate. I peeked at him, and he was enjoying himself, in the moment, and so hungry...

That went on for a few minutes, and then he pulled away. I expected him to say he had to go, because that's his style. He's been taking things with me much slower than other boys do. We've been talking for weeks, and that was only the first time he kissed me... I expected him to draw a line like he has been... But he didn't. He instead closed my driver's door and opened the door to my back seat and basically all but shoved me in there. I leaned into the front to slide the passenger seat out of the way because it was leaned back rather far, and when I turned back around he was pulling me in and kissing me with his hands all over my body. He was rubbing me and grabbing on my tits, and the next thing I knew he was practically ripping my pants off. He pushed me back into the corner of the back seat and started eating me out. He was SO aggressive, I could barely handle it. I was wasted and exhausted, and still it was amazing... He hugged me after. And I mean HUGGED me. And then he got weird and apologetic and I pulled him back in for another and took one. I needed it as much as he did. It was romantic and not just sexual, which was the nice part about it.

Now I don't know what to do... He's been texting me constantly lately. Every day we talk. Except today... Today I'm sad because we haven't... Today every time my phone goes off, it's the ex, and I'm annoyed.

I guess things got messy, and I think he has a girl that was around before I showed up. I think I word vomited a little last night out of fear. I think I'm the homewrecker. He's told me, "I don't know what we are. We've hung out a few times, and I don't think it's going anywhere. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't." It's messy... Because I don't know whether to think he has a girlfriend or to believe him that there's no title and it's a complicated scenario. I don't know if he won't fuck me because he's fucking her... I tried to get him to let me fuck him or to come home with me and he said he can't. He wouldn't. It makes me feel shitty, but I guess I should just enjoy whatever I get from this, and maybe I'll win this one in the end... One thing's for sure tho, I won't win if I freak him out...

I told him I don't expect that to happen again. But that he better not cut me off. He promised he wouldn't and that he will take me to happy hour soon.

I guess all I can do is wait and see... I want to talk to him today, but I think he needs space... Maybe I need space.

Recovering

Sometimes people think because your a pretty girl that you must not have feelings. That because you're strong they don't have to watch out for them. It sucks to be a girl. It sucks to be rejected harshly and by someone who seems to enjoy the process of rejecting you so much. 

Daniel is insane. I know that. But it doesn't make it hurt less. I don't know why or how I even got attached, but the severe rejection hurts...

A house full of miserable people... I didn't belong there. Maybe I don't belong anywhere. The things I have to do to fit in with people like that are too much for me. I feel like a freak or a reject. Like the same old sad girl in high school that didn't know how to act. I guess I still don't... 

Do I think of the ex as a fallback or a real option?? What kind of life do I want?? 

I guess this is the process for figuring those things out. It's miserable. But I get one step closer each time. I know it's no Adam for me, and now no Daniel. 

If Jay doesn't hang out with me today, then he's off the list too, and if we hang out and nothing happens, same outcome. 

Confused but losing weight

I slept with him... And it was fantastic. I feel like if I weren't headed in a completely different direction in life, I would probably like him. The scenario of how everything happened was cute. His roommate told me his side of it... Yeah, he's cute.

But god... I really do love my fiance... Today I feel a little guilty. Not insanely, because I understand how this has all transpired, but I need to stop. I need to stop having side-guys. This means I either need the fiance to fix things for REAL like permanently, or I need to be single. Right now I'm still trying to decide which one is a better scenario. I wish he would step up, but I don't know if he ever will, and I'm so out of patience it's disgusting. I'm tired of having the same talks about the same things over and over and I'm ever tired of saying THAT. This week it's back to old shit with him, and I don't want that.

In other news, the scale this morning was super fucking nice. I've lost a total of 10 pounds since I started trying to lose weight.

One day at a time, I suppose. What else can I do? I'm about to be so busy with my semester that I don't have opportunity to fuck around with MW. I'm about to be so busy that I can't do fucking anything. And I need my fiance. This is the ultimate last test of us... I just hope we pass it. And I hope my body does as well.

Fuck my life

MW didn't come to work tonight. I was annoyed. And then annoyed that it annoyed me. He texted me all night. 

He gives me the attention I so desperately want. 

"What are you doing? But what are you doing?"

Stil trying to get over things, I guess. But maybe that's just an excuse to do what I want. Right now I want to feel pretty and important for someone to spend time on and not taken for granted. And I'm tired of asking for those things. 

I want him. I want the one night he says I can have. I know the boost it'll give things... And I want to feel all of it. 

Adam will be a disappointment for eternity. So the solution is to severely and drastically lower current standards. But I don't want to just walk away. I still want to be his friend for some ridiculous God-forsaken reason. And I want to have a new boy toy and him to see it like I had to see he and Hannah. 

I want everything this would give me... Except the guilt. 

Little gain; big-ass stress

The number on the scale today was higher than yesterday... I'm not sure exactly why, but like a pound and a half higher. I think it's probably because of my late night cereal last night, but I can't understand why that little bit would lead to suuuch a jump. I'm going to assume it's nothing and keep going.

I need to figure out a schedule that doesn't wreck my metabolism... I have a fear it's sensitive these days. I think I'm going to implement "normal" eating days weekly from now on, or attempt to have higher caloric days about once a week. I cannot afford to have a crash. I'll get right back up, and I can't have that!

5 days til the beach, and my weight is not where I wish it was... But I have not been purging, and that is a HUGE plus. I just need to keep going. I researched some stuff today, and I feel like I have a good grasp on what to do - just keep going!

I'm kind of excited to work with MW tonight... If nothing else, I know he'll be flirting with me and getting me all excitable and I can come home and take it out on the fiance. I guess we'll just see how it goes... I'm going to make sure I look hot as fuck before I go to work. Ha ha!

Think thin.

Body and boys (yet again)

The scale was SO nice to me today. When I think about it, my eating has been pretty damn good lately. So, maybe I deserved it. Today was ok... Kind of a big dinner but smaller breakfast and lunches than usual, so I'm hoping it balances out.

I didn't text MW tonight. But, I did toy with the idea for about two solid fucking hours. The fiance has been such an emotional mess the past few days, and I'm getting tired of some of his behvior lately. He got drunk and passed out tonight, and I had plenty of opportunity to text MW, but I made myself restrain. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure if the restraint comes from actually wanting to be good or knowing that a little distance will make him want me that much more tomorrow...

For now, I've decided I am not going to fuck him - told him this - but that enjoying the attention and fantasy is fun. I like texting him. He spends hours texting me back hanging on my every word and chit chatting and doing whatever I ask him to, and telling me how amazing I am. I actually really do want to fuck him... I've seen the goods, and they look fantastic; and I think from all our conversations that he would be fun. But, I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to be a grownup. I told him some ground rules for working together, and he told me, "I don't know if I can keep my hands off you the next time I see you." I kind of feel the same way... I am saying and doing things mostly the right way, but inside I wish he would grab my by my pussy, drag me into the bathroom at work and fuck me senseless...

They say you get something from "affairs" or what have you that you're not getting from your actual relationship. I know that what I get from side boys is feeling appreciated and doted on. The fiance has never been very good at that. Today in fact, I texted him and said I loved him and he responded with a question as to when my beach trip was. I know he loves me and appreciates me, but he does not show it enough. And frankly, I get tired of complaining about the same things.

But I want him. I love him, and he loves me. I just wish he were better at it.