I don't have much time...
Things have been shitty.
After my last, terribly depressed post, I had a bender.
And fucking HELL of a bender.
I didn't gain, and I've actually lost 2lbs since then, but I was SO mad at myself...
I have a lot to write about, but no privacy or ability to do so.
Tomorrow morning, loves!
Think thin!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Incredibly Sad
I am so incredibly depressed right now.
Last night was shitty, shitty, shitty.
I strolled into work in a good mood. I had only eaten a little, and I was feeling pretty good.
And then.. Shit hit the fan. My manager, chef, bartender, and busser were all SO pissed off about SO much that it was affecting everyone on staff. Servers started arguing, everyone was getting frustrated and picked on and yelled at.
It was total bullshit.
SO, I went to all 4 of the problem causers and told them they needed to calm the fuck down or we were going to have a shit-tacular night because we had like 200 reservations. (It's been insanely busy because it's tourist season.)
Then new girl who fucked Chevy was supposed to come in and food run, and she was LATE as USUAL. And she had on this shirt that showed her entire fucking chest, and I'm sorry but I HATE her so much. I had to hear from everything with a penis about how nice her boobs are, etc. And THEN when she was done, she went upstairs and changed into her "going out" clothes and traipsed around the kitchen wearing practically nothing. And she does this all the time, and I am so SICK of it. I really hate her, and she tries to befriend me every fucking night.
And then I just had a rough night. I was physically and mentally exhausted and not in the mood and SO over it. I am starting to hate my job. I know I can do so much better, but I'm stuck there right now. I won't make this much money anywhere else at the time being, and I don't want to go through the stress of job-hunting, so there you have it. I'm stuck there. I have a wedding to pay for.
Then when I was sitting down at the end of my night doing paperwork, and James came over. And he works in another department, but normally he hangs around in the restaurant quite a bit. BUT lately, he's been MIA. And when he is around, he's in a pissy mood. But last night he sat with us while we did out paperwork, and I asked him where he's been, and he said he's "tired of the drama in the restaurant." And I know he's discussing me and Chevy and new girl. I'm not stupid. And I said something along the lines of the drama being over and KB was talking to us about it, etc. And I said something about Chevy avoiding new girl like the plague and he comes off with, "You're so in love with him!" and I was like, "No, I'm not. I barely speak to him. You have no idea what's been going on." And he brushed it off and was like, "Whatever, I'm tired of the drama." And I was like, "It's a restaurant. There will always be drama." And he's like, "That's why I haven't been around." And I was like, "Yeah well, there's drama everywhere." And he was like, "No just in restaurants because everyone's like a highschool drop out."
That pissed me OFF.
And I was like, "Thanks a lot." And he was like, "I didn't mean it like that about you." And I was like, "Whatever." And he stands up ans he's like, "Whatever, I'm out of here."
Good riddance.
I almost started crying. I had to fight it really hard.
I have a fucking BACHELOR'S DEGREE, okay? I put my fucking time in school. 4 years. Whereas you, James, did not. No, you went off and joined the fucking circus (no joke) and went to jail and rehab. While you were fucking your life up, I was trying to make something of my life. And yeah, I'm a fucking server and I HATE it and I'm not proud of it, but I make more money than YOU, and at least one day I won't be a server anymore, and I'll have made something of my life. Whereas you'll always be a single, bitter fuck-up who it getting too old to be datable and is so offensive no one even wants to talk to you.
SO FUCK YOU.
I was so fed up I ranted to KB and Andy and both of them were telling me it's okay.
But it's NOT okay. I want to move back home, and I still have another fucking year left in this town that I can't move away from. I thought when I moved here that I'd be happy by now, but I'm not. I hate this town and the fucking people here, I hate my job, I hate my body, I hate missing my godson's birthday and what's going on in my brother's life and seeing all of my friends, and I hate that my only "friends" here aren't really my friends and that I know that once I move away I won't speak to most of them again.
I went home and binged. I had leftover pizza, BBQ chicken, cookies, mint patties, mashed potatoes... I didn't even throw it up, I just went to bed and let all of the fat absorb into my already obese body.
And cried.
I'm so upset because the fiance is the only good thing in my life. I feel so trapped and alone and upset and ugly and depressed. He hugged me and talked to me late into the night until I fell asleep.
What sucks the most about this is I can't DO anything about it. I have no control over this.
Last night was shitty, shitty, shitty.
I strolled into work in a good mood. I had only eaten a little, and I was feeling pretty good.
And then.. Shit hit the fan. My manager, chef, bartender, and busser were all SO pissed off about SO much that it was affecting everyone on staff. Servers started arguing, everyone was getting frustrated and picked on and yelled at.
It was total bullshit.
SO, I went to all 4 of the problem causers and told them they needed to calm the fuck down or we were going to have a shit-tacular night because we had like 200 reservations. (It's been insanely busy because it's tourist season.)
Then new girl who fucked Chevy was supposed to come in and food run, and she was LATE as USUAL. And she had on this shirt that showed her entire fucking chest, and I'm sorry but I HATE her so much. I had to hear from everything with a penis about how nice her boobs are, etc. And THEN when she was done, she went upstairs and changed into her "going out" clothes and traipsed around the kitchen wearing practically nothing. And she does this all the time, and I am so SICK of it. I really hate her, and she tries to befriend me every fucking night.
And then I just had a rough night. I was physically and mentally exhausted and not in the mood and SO over it. I am starting to hate my job. I know I can do so much better, but I'm stuck there right now. I won't make this much money anywhere else at the time being, and I don't want to go through the stress of job-hunting, so there you have it. I'm stuck there. I have a wedding to pay for.
Then when I was sitting down at the end of my night doing paperwork, and James came over. And he works in another department, but normally he hangs around in the restaurant quite a bit. BUT lately, he's been MIA. And when he is around, he's in a pissy mood. But last night he sat with us while we did out paperwork, and I asked him where he's been, and he said he's "tired of the drama in the restaurant." And I know he's discussing me and Chevy and new girl. I'm not stupid. And I said something along the lines of the drama being over and KB was talking to us about it, etc. And I said something about Chevy avoiding new girl like the plague and he comes off with, "You're so in love with him!" and I was like, "No, I'm not. I barely speak to him. You have no idea what's been going on." And he brushed it off and was like, "Whatever, I'm tired of the drama." And I was like, "It's a restaurant. There will always be drama." And he's like, "That's why I haven't been around." And I was like, "Yeah well, there's drama everywhere." And he was like, "No just in restaurants because everyone's like a highschool drop out."
That pissed me OFF.
And I was like, "Thanks a lot." And he was like, "I didn't mean it like that about you." And I was like, "Whatever." And he stands up ans he's like, "Whatever, I'm out of here."
Good riddance.
I almost started crying. I had to fight it really hard.
I have a fucking BACHELOR'S DEGREE, okay? I put my fucking time in school. 4 years. Whereas you, James, did not. No, you went off and joined the fucking circus (no joke) and went to jail and rehab. While you were fucking your life up, I was trying to make something of my life. And yeah, I'm a fucking server and I HATE it and I'm not proud of it, but I make more money than YOU, and at least one day I won't be a server anymore, and I'll have made something of my life. Whereas you'll always be a single, bitter fuck-up who it getting too old to be datable and is so offensive no one even wants to talk to you.
SO FUCK YOU.
I was so fed up I ranted to KB and Andy and both of them were telling me it's okay.
But it's NOT okay. I want to move back home, and I still have another fucking year left in this town that I can't move away from. I thought when I moved here that I'd be happy by now, but I'm not. I hate this town and the fucking people here, I hate my job, I hate my body, I hate missing my godson's birthday and what's going on in my brother's life and seeing all of my friends, and I hate that my only "friends" here aren't really my friends and that I know that once I move away I won't speak to most of them again.
I went home and binged. I had leftover pizza, BBQ chicken, cookies, mint patties, mashed potatoes... I didn't even throw it up, I just went to bed and let all of the fat absorb into my already obese body.
And cried.
I'm so upset because the fiance is the only good thing in my life. I feel so trapped and alone and upset and ugly and depressed. He hugged me and talked to me late into the night until I fell asleep.
What sucks the most about this is I can't DO anything about it. I have no control over this.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Breaking the cycle
Totally binged last night... After my post about how I’ve been restricting so much... Ironic.
Yesterday’s calories were probably at around 1200.
Ew.
BUT, when I was lying in bed last night absolutely HATING myself and thinking about my behavior, I started to notice a pattern with myself... As soon as I get to GW#1, I think, “I’ve done so well! I’m not going to be so hard on myself for a bit...” And then I binge. I eat a zillion cals in a day, do the same thing the next day, and the next day, and then I gain. And then once I get up about 4+lbs over GW#1, I freak out and restrict a LOT.
And I am BREAKING THIS CYCLE!!!
No more being easy on myself. No more junk food. No more binges because I’m doing well.
I am NOT doing well ENOUGH.
I stepped on the scale this morning and was up a pound from fucking yesterday. I almost took a lax, but decided against it because we were going out in public, and no thank you.
SO, today:
B: Coffee - 0
L: Grilled veggies and meat – 250-300?
D: Fudgesicle, and some popcorn - 140
Probably around 400-450. Not sure about lunch because the fiancé and I went to a Mexican place in town, so who knows what was in it.
MUCH better than yesterday tho.
AND I worked out for over an hour, as hard as I could. I filled my iPod with some pumpin’ music the other day, and MAN did I sweat my ass off! I burned about 300 cals on the elliptical alone.
But anyway, I need a shower.
No thinspo today, because the fiancé found some and he’s all confused at to what it is and I’m SO fucking paranoid about him finding this lately.
Yesterday’s calories were probably at around 1200.
Ew.
BUT, when I was lying in bed last night absolutely HATING myself and thinking about my behavior, I started to notice a pattern with myself... As soon as I get to GW#1, I think, “I’ve done so well! I’m not going to be so hard on myself for a bit...” And then I binge. I eat a zillion cals in a day, do the same thing the next day, and the next day, and then I gain. And then once I get up about 4+lbs over GW#1, I freak out and restrict a LOT.
And I am BREAKING THIS CYCLE!!!
No more being easy on myself. No more junk food. No more binges because I’m doing well.
I am NOT doing well ENOUGH.
I stepped on the scale this morning and was up a pound from fucking yesterday. I almost took a lax, but decided against it because we were going out in public, and no thank you.
SO, today:
B: Coffee - 0
L: Grilled veggies and meat – 250-300?
D: Fudgesicle, and some popcorn - 140
Probably around 400-450. Not sure about lunch because the fiancé and I went to a Mexican place in town, so who knows what was in it.
MUCH better than yesterday tho.
AND I worked out for over an hour, as hard as I could. I filled my iPod with some pumpin’ music the other day, and MAN did I sweat my ass off! I burned about 300 cals on the elliptical alone.
But anyway, I need a shower.
No thinspo today, because the fiancé found some and he’s all confused at to what it is and I’m SO fucking paranoid about him finding this lately.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Serious restricting & True Religion
I have become SO hard on myself.
And it has happened over the past week, but I'm not exactly certain WHY.
I feel like a completely fatty blob of bloat, when in reality I've only eaten about 550 cals today.
And yesterday when I said I was eating around 400 lately... that was a lie in retrospect. It's been closer to 300 a day.
I have no idea why I've become SO obsessed with eating SO little.
I think it's because this week I've been pick-pick-picking and not eating that much, so now when I DO eat, I feel guilty, knowing I can survive on less and that when I do survive on less and less, I lose more and more.
When I stepped on the scale this morning, another pound had come off.
I am now 2lbs lighter than GW#1 and only have 8lbs until GW#2.
BUT like I said yesterday, I find this too good to be true, so I'm wary of my scale and what it is telling me... I'm not sure if I believe it.
We're just going to take things one day at a time and see what happens.
But I'm going to run because I have the most MASSIVE migraine right now, and all I want to do is lie down.
I've added a box on the top right of this blog with all the links I've previously posted or the ones I use constantly. Some good stuff, so check it out!
True Religion thinspo today because their ads always make me pump it twice as fast during my workouts. :-)
And it has happened over the past week, but I'm not exactly certain WHY.
I feel like a completely fatty blob of bloat, when in reality I've only eaten about 550 cals today.
And yesterday when I said I was eating around 400 lately... that was a lie in retrospect. It's been closer to 300 a day.
I have no idea why I've become SO obsessed with eating SO little.
I think it's because this week I've been pick-pick-picking and not eating that much, so now when I DO eat, I feel guilty, knowing I can survive on less and that when I do survive on less and less, I lose more and more.
When I stepped on the scale this morning, another pound had come off.
I am now 2lbs lighter than GW#1 and only have 8lbs until GW#2.
BUT like I said yesterday, I find this too good to be true, so I'm wary of my scale and what it is telling me... I'm not sure if I believe it.
We're just going to take things one day at a time and see what happens.
But I'm going to run because I have the most MASSIVE migraine right now, and all I want to do is lie down.
I've added a box on the top right of this blog with all the links I've previously posted or the ones I use constantly. Some good stuff, so check it out!
True Religion thinspo today because their ads always make me pump it twice as fast during my workouts. :-)
Monday, October 5, 2009
Back to where I was before
The fiance is passed out on the couch behind me, so I'm going to take a moment to bloggg! I'll be home alone tomorrow, so I'll blog then as well.
My weight is down... The gain weight is gone, and once again, I'm at GW #1. I would be happy except I was already here a while ago and let myself gain... But I won't do that again.
10 more pounds to lose, and I can do it.
I let myself eat sushi yesterday because I worked ALL fucking day long and probably burned about a jillion calories, and I didn't eat the whole time at work except an apple because I almost fainted.
And when I stepped on the scale this morning, it actually read one pound LESS than GW#1.
But I don't believe my scale... Sometimes it says things that are too good to be true.
SO, I'm going to continue to obsessively weigh (because that's what I do) but until my period is over this week, I'm not going to believe what I see.
I haven't been that thin in a looong time, and I can't believe I could be less than GW#1 after only a couple days.
Though my cals have been REALLY low lately... I've actually cut back from the 500 to about 400. And some days WAY less. AND I've been working my ass off, and my job is VERY physically demanding, especially lately because we have been SO busy.
So it might be believable, but not yet.
Anywho, thinspo... Black and white, because I adore it.
My weight is down... The gain weight is gone, and once again, I'm at GW #1. I would be happy except I was already here a while ago and let myself gain... But I won't do that again.
10 more pounds to lose, and I can do it.
I let myself eat sushi yesterday because I worked ALL fucking day long and probably burned about a jillion calories, and I didn't eat the whole time at work except an apple because I almost fainted.
And when I stepped on the scale this morning, it actually read one pound LESS than GW#1.
But I don't believe my scale... Sometimes it says things that are too good to be true.
SO, I'm going to continue to obsessively weigh (because that's what I do) but until my period is over this week, I'm not going to believe what I see.
I haven't been that thin in a looong time, and I can't believe I could be less than GW#1 after only a couple days.
Though my cals have been REALLY low lately... I've actually cut back from the 500 to about 400. And some days WAY less. AND I've been working my ass off, and my job is VERY physically demanding, especially lately because we have been SO busy.
So it might be believable, but not yet.
Anywho, thinspo... Black and white, because I adore it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My Rules
Walking around the grocery store today, I was realizing home many rules I have for myself... It's kind of weird... So I was wondering what kind of rules you ladies had and if you wouldn't mind sharing.
Cally's Eating Rules:
-Beverages cannot contain calories (ie. only diet sodas, fake sweeteners, etc.)
-Alcohol can only be consumed if it's been at least a week since prior consumption, and only if I drink to the point of throwing up. (Yeah, that's totally sick that I drink to that extent on purpose, but there you have it.) And only shots or run/diet.
-No bread of any kind (this rule is my most broken) no nuts, no cheese (unless it's super diet, but I've pretty much eliminated all of it from my diet), no granola type items, no hamburger meat, no bacon, no sausage or any processed meat, no fat from any meat I do consume, no sauces on anything, no cream, no real mayonnaise, no potatoes, no rice, no beans, no corn (for the most part), no pasta, no real butter or real dairy of any kind except skim milk (and VERY rarely), no chocolate/candy, no egg yolks, no peanut butter or jelly, no deep-fried anything, no oils, etc! There are about a million foods I do NOT allow myself to consume.
-Condiments cannot contain over 10 cals a tablespoon, dressings no more than 30 cals a TB, jello no more than 10 a cup, oatmeal no more than 100 a package, butter no more than 5 cals a TB, yogurt no more than 45 cals a carton, etc. I have calorie limits for just about any "ana-approved" food item. If it's even 5 cals over, I ditch it.
-Avoid fruits/veggies that aren't neg cal.
- Coffee can only contain Splenda.
-Cereal cannot have more than 100 cals per cup, including milk, and they have to have a lot of fiber in them.
-No eating something unless I can estimate the calories, read the package, or research how many calories it has before consumption.
- Breakfast cannot be more than 100 cals, lunch no more than 200, and diner no more than 200.
-Only allowed crackers with high levels or fiber.
If too many of the above rules are broken, I mia... Mia'ing is also curiously against the rules.
Anyone want to share their rules?
Cally's Eating Rules:
-Beverages cannot contain calories (ie. only diet sodas, fake sweeteners, etc.)
-Alcohol can only be consumed if it's been at least a week since prior consumption, and only if I drink to the point of throwing up. (Yeah, that's totally sick that I drink to that extent on purpose, but there you have it.) And only shots or run/diet.
-No bread of any kind (this rule is my most broken) no nuts, no cheese (unless it's super diet, but I've pretty much eliminated all of it from my diet), no granola type items, no hamburger meat, no bacon, no sausage or any processed meat, no fat from any meat I do consume, no sauces on anything, no cream, no real mayonnaise, no potatoes, no rice, no beans, no corn (for the most part), no pasta, no real butter or real dairy of any kind except skim milk (and VERY rarely), no chocolate/candy, no egg yolks, no peanut butter or jelly, no deep-fried anything, no oils, etc! There are about a million foods I do NOT allow myself to consume.
-Condiments cannot contain over 10 cals a tablespoon, dressings no more than 30 cals a TB, jello no more than 10 a cup, oatmeal no more than 100 a package, butter no more than 5 cals a TB, yogurt no more than 45 cals a carton, etc. I have calorie limits for just about any "ana-approved" food item. If it's even 5 cals over, I ditch it.
-Avoid fruits/veggies that aren't neg cal.
- Coffee can only contain Splenda.
-Cereal cannot have more than 100 cals per cup, including milk, and they have to have a lot of fiber in them.
-No eating something unless I can estimate the calories, read the package, or research how many calories it has before consumption.
- Breakfast cannot be more than 100 cals, lunch no more than 200, and diner no more than 200.
-Only allowed crackers with high levels or fiber.
If too many of the above rules are broken, I mia... Mia'ing is also curiously against the rules.
Anyone want to share their rules?
Lately in the life of Cally.
1.) Weight (Eh.)
It's teetering back and forth... I'm still in weight-loss mode, but now that I've lost so much, (20+lbs since I gave into my ED again) it's harder to keep losing... And easier to gain. AND I've had some weak, weak, weak days and there for about a week I ate total shit and gained... I pretty much have the weight all back off, but even after I lose the gain (2.5lbs to go to get it back off) I have more to go. And I've been trying to get in the habit of working out more because I don't think it's going to come off with "under 500 cals a day" alone.
I've noticed that ana is becoming more of a lifestyle for me and less of something I focus on... And then I give myself new challenges and push myself harder. I eliminate foods, I make new rules, etc.
I did pretty well on my trip back home, but I totally mia'd after my mom made the fiance a birthday dinner of lasagna and chocolate cake... I've been miaing a little here and there, but even that has dropped off quite a bit. I don't want to mia, and normally it's emotional and not about food anyway...
Myself-esteem has been SO much better with every pound I lose. I went to the beach and wore a bikini, and for the first time in a looong time I didn't feel like a whale... Maybe a little like a cow, but not a whale. And EVERYONE back home made comments, and I felt SO good abotu myself! Girls who are some of my best friends were JEALOUS and asked me what I've been doing. It was amazing.
The only downside is that none of my clothes fit me anymore, especially tops and dresses. I need some new ones, because I bagged up all the old ones that look like tents and it was a BIG chunk of my wardrobe.
2.) Chevy (Fuck.)
Things have reached the end.
There for a while, we were slipping back into our old cycle. He's just so charming and it's hard to get away from him... And the fiance and I were getting a little rocky... I was falling back into alll of it...
And then a new girl came to work, and she has a boyfriend she's been with for YEARS and lives with. And she fucked him. And he was still acting like we were headed for something like he always does. SO, I got drunk at work one night and he was and he was all over me because she wasn't there. I acted like a COMPLETE bitch because I knew what he did with her... And then he left and I texted him and apologized... And to make a long story short, I ended up unloading all of my feelings on him through drunk-text, and he said he would stop playing games...
I know he won't, but he and the new girl are having some freaking affair, and I have NO respect for either of them. I may have contemplated things, but I would NEVER have acted on it. SO, it's done. And I'm actually over it, though I still hate the girl. And him to a certain degree... It's just the principle of the matter. And she broke major girl rules. Ha!
3.) The Fiance.
I am SO happy with him! We have worked out a lot of things that have been bothering/hindering our relationship. And we've been talking about moving back home after we get married, and the thought alone elates me. I've been so miserable since we moved here, and I honestly just want to go back HOME.
4.) Today
Went grocery shopping and I'm about to clean the house..
B: Salad - 210ish including dressing/chicken.
L: Fudgesicle -40
D: Jello - 10 Oatmeal - 130
SO, 390, and I still have some cals left for the day.
Gotta run! Probably some thinspo once I'm done cleaning if I have time before the fiance gets home.
Think thin, ladies! <3
It's teetering back and forth... I'm still in weight-loss mode, but now that I've lost so much, (20+lbs since I gave into my ED again) it's harder to keep losing... And easier to gain. AND I've had some weak, weak, weak days and there for about a week I ate total shit and gained... I pretty much have the weight all back off, but even after I lose the gain (2.5lbs to go to get it back off) I have more to go. And I've been trying to get in the habit of working out more because I don't think it's going to come off with "under 500 cals a day" alone.
I've noticed that ana is becoming more of a lifestyle for me and less of something I focus on... And then I give myself new challenges and push myself harder. I eliminate foods, I make new rules, etc.
I did pretty well on my trip back home, but I totally mia'd after my mom made the fiance a birthday dinner of lasagna and chocolate cake... I've been miaing a little here and there, but even that has dropped off quite a bit. I don't want to mia, and normally it's emotional and not about food anyway...
Myself-esteem has been SO much better with every pound I lose. I went to the beach and wore a bikini, and for the first time in a looong time I didn't feel like a whale... Maybe a little like a cow, but not a whale. And EVERYONE back home made comments, and I felt SO good abotu myself! Girls who are some of my best friends were JEALOUS and asked me what I've been doing. It was amazing.
The only downside is that none of my clothes fit me anymore, especially tops and dresses. I need some new ones, because I bagged up all the old ones that look like tents and it was a BIG chunk of my wardrobe.
2.) Chevy (Fuck.)
Things have reached the end.
There for a while, we were slipping back into our old cycle. He's just so charming and it's hard to get away from him... And the fiance and I were getting a little rocky... I was falling back into alll of it...
And then a new girl came to work, and she has a boyfriend she's been with for YEARS and lives with. And she fucked him. And he was still acting like we were headed for something like he always does. SO, I got drunk at work one night and he was and he was all over me because she wasn't there. I acted like a COMPLETE bitch because I knew what he did with her... And then he left and I texted him and apologized... And to make a long story short, I ended up unloading all of my feelings on him through drunk-text, and he said he would stop playing games...
I know he won't, but he and the new girl are having some freaking affair, and I have NO respect for either of them. I may have contemplated things, but I would NEVER have acted on it. SO, it's done. And I'm actually over it, though I still hate the girl. And him to a certain degree... It's just the principle of the matter. And she broke major girl rules. Ha!
3.) The Fiance.
I am SO happy with him! We have worked out a lot of things that have been bothering/hindering our relationship. And we've been talking about moving back home after we get married, and the thought alone elates me. I've been so miserable since we moved here, and I honestly just want to go back HOME.
4.) Today
Went grocery shopping and I'm about to clean the house..
B: Salad - 210ish including dressing/chicken.
L: Fudgesicle -40
D: Jello - 10 Oatmeal - 130
SO, 390, and I still have some cals left for the day.
Gotta run! Probably some thinspo once I'm done cleaning if I have time before the fiance gets home.
Think thin, ladies! <3
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