Repeat

I've had a messy week. Depression, not enough working or working out, too much binging and terrible purging. Sometimes purging leaves me feeling accomplished and relieved and sometimes it leaves me wanting to slice my wrists and cry. This week was mostly the latter. It's not worth doing anymore.

The world of skinny. It's a messy, terrible place, but it's where I want to live. I'm tired of the world of fat. Sitting at dinner tonight was weird. I order my little tiny salad and have my two vodkas while everyone else eats more calories than me just during the bread course. I rip my food into smaller and smaller pieces and take breaks where I put my fork down. They jokingly talk about eating their feelings this week and say, "2,300 calories? How many days worth of food is that?" Someone says "one to two" while I think "four during a good week."

That's what I desperately need right now.  A good week. I need to stay in control for a solid week and see where I am. I've been fortunate enough that the scale has been nice to me. I only gained about 2 pounds after I lost a bunch, which means I've kept those 10 pounds off successfully. Now I just need to do that with another ten. And maybe another.

Tomorrow's planned eats:
B - Yogurt, vitamins, coffee
L - Spinach salad with salmon, no dressing, light cheese
S - Almonds and oranges
D - Try to skip it...
T - Under 800!

Cried 3 times while writing this

There's too much going on lately. It's overwhelming... I'm a mess, and there's no end in sight. I want life to settle down for goddsake. I want some peace.

I haven't had a period since coming off my birth control. I ovulated and then had a few days where I felt like I was on it, but no blood. I'm scared, but I always remember how crazy and unpredictable they were before I started birth control, so who knows... I should get a test probably. I just don't even want to know if I am pregnant at the moment. The boy and I are struggling. Our sex life has taken a dip since coming off birth control. We had planned 3 months before actually trying to get pregnant, and back up methods are fucking shitty. He doesn't understand how my hormones make me feel or how I'm actually really fucking scared to get pregnant. I'm so worried about him coming inside me right now that I can barely enjoy sex. It's all just a huge mind fuck, but he doesn't seem to get it. He just complains and grumbles and acts like a dick. I got pissed today and told him he has no empathy and it's disgusting. We haven't talked about all of it yet, but I'm not looking forward to it.

I haven't weighed myself in days. Maybe a week or longer... I've lost track. I binged and purged today. It was the easiest purge I've probably ever had. I didn't even have to touch myself, and I was puking. I was so upset and frustrated and annoyed, the food just came up on its own. My body didn't fight me at all. I dont have any idea if I've gained or lost or what the number could even be, and I don't want to. Some days I do well, and some days I don't. Some days I barely eat, and some days I binge endlessly. My clothes don't feel any differently, but the wedding is looming in the not so far distance reminding me that I need to get myself in shape.

My mind is so fucked lately. I want drugs. To get drunk. To run away. To be some else. Somewhere else. I want to enjoy myself for a day, but at this rate I can't...

My whole life is about to change. I got offered an amazing job using my shiny new degree. I'm excited for it... But all the other things I have to do to get myself in a good position are difficult. I'm moving home with my parents for a few months, leaving the place that I've worked at for 3 years and my only real friend. I'm leaving the town I've lived in for 7 years... The longest I've ever lived anywhere.

I'm scared I'll be miserable. I'm scared I'm choosing the wrong path. A few months ago I thought I was headed in a different direction, and now here I am... Moving into my brother's childhood room and second-guessing myself. I've worked so hard to become an adult, and I feel like they won't understand. I don't want anyone else to run my life in any way.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired. So tired that I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

Dreams and nightmares

Last night the weirdest thing happened... I wet the bed. I'm a grown-ass woman, and I wet the bed so much I had to wake up the boy and tell him to get out of bed and let me change the sheet and had to clean the mattress underneath. I was having a dream that I was in a hurricane, running around and saving my brother from rocks flying through his window. And suddenly, I was on the toilet making everyone leave the room so I could go pee. Then I woke up and rushed to the bathroom half asleep still and fumbling around in the dark horrified. I was so scared to wake up the boy and tell him he had to get out of bed and why... I was fucking embarrassed. I'm a fucking adult, and I wasn't drunk. But he's always so gracious with me. He didn't harass me or make me feel like the weirdo I felt like. He never hurts my feelings when I'm struggling.

Coming off my birth control is difficult right now. I can feel my body adjusting to over a decade of hormones leaving my system. My skin feels like it's constantly on the verge of breaking out, and I wonder if the bed wetting had something to do with it also...  My dreams have been so weird and vivid lately, and I find I feel like I need more sleep than usual. I also finally weened myself off caffeine, and that has been a struggle, especially at work when I would normally have a pick-me-up...

I was worried the caffeine would affect my weight loss, but this morning the scale was kind again. The number says I've lost ten pounds since I started trying again. It's been a long time, but ten pounds less feels fantastic, and I feel motivated to keep it upppp. The number I saw today I haven't seen in a very long time.

Ok, off to work out... I know this one will be a struggle today, but it's necessaryyy!

Temptation grows when you feed it

To the 5 or 6 of you that still read these posts, thanks for checking in. Seeing even just a couple of reads on my late night ramblings, head dump, or raw emotions makes me feel a little less alone in the universe.

I've lost weight. I've been trying very hard to get my body thinner before I get pregnant, and that's the next focus on the life agenda. Pregnancy horrifies me. Scares the fucking shit out of me. But, I want a daughter. More than anything, I've always dreamed of having one, and I'm getting too old to wait any longer. I have my Master's degree. I have a stable relationship with a man who cleaned up his act and wants to be a good dad. I have the ability to take care of a child. I feel like it's finally time, but Ana and Mia are inside quivering and telling me to do something else with my entire life. But the plan is to get skinny and maintain healthy-ish and get pregnant. Right now, I need to get thin. Right now my shape is just too round to live. 

My main issue right now is exercise. I was doing ok with working out until I got this cold, and now it's been a MONTH trying to shake it. I don't know how to get started again... I got my eating back under control, but exercise is harder for me to get into. I've always HATED it. Hated gyms and sweating and how my body jiggles when I move. The only thing I've ever loved that was active were dance and hiking, and I feel too old for formal dance and it's too disgustingly hot to hike right now. I don't know; I just need to figure something out...

I need routine.

Yesterday I did well. When I left work, I was starving. I wanted to binge. I wanted to hit up every drive thru or take home a pasta from work or get gas station food. I wanted to smoke weed and eat a literal ton and maybe purge and maybe not. But, I can't smoke right now because of applying for jobs, and I can't drink because I made a life decision not to. It hit me that food is my third drug of choice, and I couldn't let myself do it. I needed to stay hungry for the hour drive home and immediately eat an Ana-approved meal and then just not think about it any more. So I did. I got in my car and went straight home and made myself food and ate and then put on a movie and passed out. When I woke up from my nap, I didn't feel fat and disgusting and guilty and full of self-hatred. I felt rested. I felt like I had accomplished something. And this morning, the scale read a lovely number I haven't seen in a while. I want that again tomorrow and the day after and the day after, and I want to get 14 more pounds off before I get pregnant and then only have a belly pregnancy. I can do it if I stay focused.

So, here's the plan...

Daily goals:

• Apply for one job per day.
• Take vitamins daily.
• No caffeine.
• 2 workout videos daily.
• Keep house clean. 
• In bed by 2am, up by 11am at the latest.
• Maintain eating: 
• Breakfast: oatmeal/english muffin/fruit/yogurt /tea- @150 cals
• Lunch: chicken/veggies/tortillas/tuna/crackers - @250 cals
• Snack: neg cal fruits - @ 60cals
• Dinner: lean mean, veggies - @200 cals
• Dessert - sugar free popsicle - 15 cals
• Total: Less than 700 cals.

Manageable if I just stick to it. And not get stressed. Yesterday I was stressed. I fought off cravings, had an eating dream at bedtime, and generally just didn't feel it. But this morning's numbers were worth it. That's what I need to remember. Temptation grows when you feed it. And I don't want to feed anything.

Jay

He lights up when he talks to me. When I talk to him. He smiles. A smile that doesn't end with his lips, or even his eyes, but goes to his heart. 

It's not his fault he couldn't reach out. He's broken. And messy. He's so profoundly different on such a deep level that I couldn't even understand him. And by the time I did, it was too late. I didn't get all the information I needed and didn't have the time. He would have been a project that took years and more patience than I possess. More than I think anyone really possesses. He can't reach out like people expect. But I wish he would have. I wish any of his emotions would have been strong enough to spark some kind of actual action... Aside from the one evening and a couple drunken moments. 

I need someone who pushes back. That's the game. I cause drama to test. And some fail. Many have. He failed the hardest. To the point where I had to stop myself from blaming myself. 

I miss him. I know it would have never worked. It was doomed from the start. But I miss the game and the conversations. I miss having him as a friend. I wish I could tell him I miss him... I wish I could catch up with him. But I think the way it is now is best... I give him what I want and nothing more. And he soaks it up, pretends he isn't affected... but I know when he smiles. 

We said we would be friends. I said it. I know I can't, but I miss it. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I think I might be able to do that soon. Just not sure if I should or not. 

Doing

School is over. And while I feel relieved, I also want to get my dream job now, but life is making me take it slow... I need my career. Not even having a taste of it makes me feel worthless and angsty. It makes it hard for me to be grateful and positive. My career is my passion, and it feeds my soul. Lately, my soul has been stagnant.

Last month, I went on the best vacation of my life with CS. We planned our wedding and called it our honeymoon. We made amazing memories together. It was truly the best week of my life. He is my home and my heart. I want to marry him and stop being scared of things.

When I got home to reality, I fell apart. Back to my shitty job surrounded by shitty people and trying not to let it get to me. There is no bright side to look on at this moment. No projects or necessities to accomplish. Just a road of a couple months full of tedious work that I do not want to do and drama that I escaped as a single person. We're trying to figure out our next steps in life, and I'm trying to manage it without doubt and anxiety ripping me apart.

I've had such severe anxiety for over 3 weeks now that I've dropped off the face of the earth, and everyone has let me. My list of to-dos is mounting, but I feel crippled. My house is dirty, my dog un-bathed, my bills unpaid, but I've been stuck. It's like no day is long enough, and no moment filled with what actually needs to happen.

Then this week, I've been sick. I was mentally so strung out that my body decided to follow suit. Now I feel like the cobwebs are gone mentally, but physically I can't get it together. I've been so sick I haven't been to work in 6 days. I called out two and got sent home two. I never thought I would say it, but I'm thankful for Amy and her covering for me. Tomorrow, I have to go back. The amount of debt I'm facing is staggering at this moment, and I can't live my life laying in bed any longer. I feel worthless.

There's a new fuck boy. And while that used to excite me, now it just annoys me. I tried to do the right thing. I told him while he was on vacation and I was on vacation that I got back together with my ex. I tried to scare him off, but instead he's chasing more. The attention will always be my biggest addiction, but I don't want him. I don't like anything about him, except the attention. And I don't want to risk anything I currently have. Which doesn't feel like much right now... If I lost CS because of some idiot like Tuse, I'd hate myself.

I don't know how to shake off the funk. It's taking over moments I should be happy. I've been fighting it off as best I can, but the cloud of drugs and drinking and mia keeps raining on me, and I can't find an umbrella anywhere. I've given in to Mia a couple times, but it doesn't help. And I've said no to drinking and drugs for so long at this point it feels normal. But some days, I miss that unhealthy coping.

I just need to remember my own advice about substances.

I don't think I've ever had depression for this long. It's been a solid month, and that's a scary thought. You'd think I could manage it somehow, but I don't think I'm mature enough sometimes. I have been asking myself "What's wrong?" for so long with no answers... I don't know what's really been wrong. Nothing huge. Just this stupid little nagging that I can't get rid of. This terrible feeling I can't shake off.

I should be doing better.

And, there is it. That is the thought that is holding me back. That is the ditty repeating itself in my head. Suddenly, on the screen of my journal, there is it. I have been telling myself this every single day lately instead of looking at the positives and being patient.

I need to give myself credit. I have been doing better. I have not been drinking, fucking around, lying to the man who loves me, putting up with shitty friends, having serious kid drama, or blowing money unnecessarily. I put aside the fuck boys. I said goodbye to Adam. I graduated. I know it's going to take a couple months, but I have the time. I need to calm down.


Tomorrow I need to do a chore and go to work. It's time to shake off the cobwebs.

Ditties in my mind

"A binge, and a purge, and all's right with the world."

The ditty still rings loud and clear in my head when I need it. Sharp and looming, like an old carousel song. In some ways comforting, but also a haunting sound as it echoes repeatedly in the dark.

This weekend was terrible for me, but it was nothing I could even share with those around me. All they saw was me being moody and angry, but it's better than the reactions of the alternative of telling them.

I am miserable.

With my body, as usual... I used to just hate myself because I looked fat, but now, I hate myself because I look fat and old. White hairs are springing up on my scalp, my completion looks like wrinkled paper, and cellulite is breeding on my thighs. My arms look flabby, and my stomach and things jiggle more than they ever have. I need to start working out mercilessly, but instead I just eat and eat and eat until I make myself want to vomit. I punish myself for how I already look...

"Oh, you want to be lazy and disgusting, then let's really do it!"

Sometime I manage not to see what I look like and just enjoy myself, and other times it consumes me with how poorly I look. I was doing well being vegan, but suddenly, the "I'll be good tomorrow" mentality came up, and I can't make it LEAVE.

I've spent literally years of my life putting off making myself look better, and I wasted my youthful years being fat. Now I'm old and just trying to look pretty, without the physical ability to do it as easily.

I'm old. I'm thirty. And I gave up the fuck boy opportunities this week, and I'm proud of myself for that, but I also fear that their presence is what keeps my confidence to maintainable levels.  I didn't hear from Adam for 2 months, and suddenly, he texts me apologizing for things that happened a very long time ago, and asking me out on a date.

"They always come back."

I was right. With him, at least... I'm always right on this with the ones that matter emotionally... It was nice to hear and very tempting, but I know what it would have done to me mentally in regards to CS.

I said no. Because I have to choose what life I want, and I choose him.

Even though this weekend wasn't easy to do that. I wanted to DRINK. I wanted to self-destruct and use bad coping, and get so fucking wasted that I forgot how ugly I felt. I wanted to go be around drunk older men who would make me feel young and pretty again. I wanted the relativity. I wanted a different perspective.

I was frustrated and frustrated with CS for not seeming frustrated. I wanted to talk about it, but couldn't. Because this is his vice, and not mine. But it sucks, because I fucking miss it, but if I tell him that, it will devastate him. He doesn't want me to give up a lifstyle I want, but that's what living with him entails. I have to give up the things that are bad for me and do actual work...

And as much as I've done that, I'm not done. I clearly still need to improve, and that realization fucking SUCKS, but there it is, hidden in my blog, as usual... It always sums up for me eventually, and this one annoys me.

It's a journey, and I need to start remembering that.

Tomorrow's step of the journey is to get the eating back in order, and then just give it a little time. And then no more waiting for tomorrow with my physical body. It's time to focus on that a while and let the mental do it's work on auto-pilot.