Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Temptation grows when you feed it

To the 5 or 6 of you that still read these posts, thanks for checking in. Seeing even just a couple of reads on my late night ramblings, head dump, or raw emotions makes me feel a little less alone in the universe.

I've lost weight. I've been trying very hard to get my body thinner before I get pregnant, and that's the next focus on the life agenda. Pregnancy horrifies me. Scares the fucking shit out of me. But, I want a daughter. More than anything, I've always dreamed of having one, and I'm getting too old to wait any longer. I have my Master's degree. I have a stable relationship with a man who cleaned up his act and wants to be a good dad. I have the ability to take care of a child. I feel like it's finally time, but Ana and Mia are inside quivering and telling me to do something else with my entire life. But the plan is to get skinny and maintain healthy-ish and get pregnant. Right now, I need to get thin. Right now my shape is just too round to live. 

My main issue right now is exercise. I was doing ok with working out until I got this cold, and now it's been a MONTH trying to shake it. I don't know how to get started again... I got my eating back under control, but exercise is harder for me to get into. I've always HATED it. Hated gyms and sweating and how my body jiggles when I move. The only thing I've ever loved that was active were dance and hiking, and I feel too old for formal dance and it's too disgustingly hot to hike right now. I don't know; I just need to figure something out...

I need routine.

Yesterday I did well. When I left work, I was starving. I wanted to binge. I wanted to hit up every drive thru or take home a pasta from work or get gas station food. I wanted to smoke weed and eat a literal ton and maybe purge and maybe not. But, I can't smoke right now because of applying for jobs, and I can't drink because I made a life decision not to. It hit me that food is my third drug of choice, and I couldn't let myself do it. I needed to stay hungry for the hour drive home and immediately eat an Ana-approved meal and then just not think about it any more. So I did. I got in my car and went straight home and made myself food and ate and then put on a movie and passed out. When I woke up from my nap, I didn't feel fat and disgusting and guilty and full of self-hatred. I felt rested. I felt like I had accomplished something. And this morning, the scale read a lovely number I haven't seen in a while. I want that again tomorrow and the day after and the day after, and I want to get 14 more pounds off before I get pregnant and then only have a belly pregnancy. I can do it if I stay focused.

So, here's the plan...

Daily goals:

  • Apply for one job per day.
  • Take vitamins daily.
  • No caffeine.
  • 2 workout videos daily.
  • Keep house clean. 
  • In bed by 2am, up by 11am at the latest.
  • Maintain eating: 
    • Breakfast: oatmeal/english muffin/fruit/yogurt /tea- @150 cals
    • Lunch: chicken/veggies/tortillas/tuna/crackers - @250 cals
    • Snack: neg cal fruits - @ 60cals
    • Dinner: lean mean, veggies - @200 cals
    • Dessert - sugar free popsicle - 15 cals
    • Total: Less than 700 cals.
Manageable if I just stick to it. And not get stressed. Yesterday I was stressed. I fought off cravings, had an eating dream at bedtime, and generally just didn't feel it. But this morning's numbers were worth it. That's what I need to remember. Temptation grows when you feed it. And I don't want to feed anything.

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