Monday, July 24, 2017

Cried 3 times while writing this

There's too much going on lately. It's overwhelming... I'm a mess, and there's no end in sight. I want life to settle down for goddsake. I want some peace.

I haven't had a period since coming off my birth control. I ovulated and then had a few days where I felt like I was on it, but no blood. I'm scared, but I always remember how crazy and unpredictable they were before I started birth control, so who knows... I should get a test probably. I just don't even want to know if I am pregnant at the moment. The boy and I are struggling. Our sex life has taken a dip since coming off birth control. We had planned 3 months before actually trying to get pregnant, and back up methods are fucking shitty. He doesn't understand how my hormones make me feel or how I'm actually really fucking scared to get pregnant. I'm so worried about him coming inside me right now that I can barely enjoy sex. It's all just a huge mind fuck, but he doesn't seem to get it. He just complains and grumbles and acts like a dick. I got pissed today and told him he has no empathy and it's disgusting. We haven't talked about all of it yet, but I'm not looking forward to it.

I haven't weighed myself in days. Maybe a week or longer... I've lost track. I binged and purged today. It was the easiest purge I've probably ever had. I didn't even have to touch myself, and I was puking. I was so upset and frustrated and annoyed, the food just came up on its own. My body didn't fight me at all. I dont have any idea if I've gained or lost or what the number could even be, and I don't want to. Some days I do well, and some days I don't. Some days I barely eat, and some days I binge endlessly. My clothes don't feel any differently, but the wedding is looming in the not so far distance reminding me that I need to get myself in shape.

My mind is so fucked lately. I want drugs. To get drunk. To run away. To be some else. Somewhere else. I want to enjoy myself for a day, but at this rate I can't...

My whole life is about to change. I got offered an amazing job using my shiny new degree. I'm excited for it... But all the other things I have to do to get myself in a good position are difficult. I'm moving home with my parents for a few months, leaving the place that I've worked at for 3 years and my only real friend. I'm leaving the town I've lived in for 7 years... The longest I've ever lived anywhere.

I'm scared I'll be miserable. I'm scared I'm choosing the wrong path. A few months ago I thought I was headed in a different direction, and now here I am... Moving into my brother's childhood room and second-guessing myself. I've worked so hard to become an adult, and I feel like they won't understand. I don't want anyone else to run my life in any way.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired. So tired that I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

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