Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Doing

School is over. And while I feel relieved, I also want to get my dream job now, but life is making me take it slow... I need my career. Not even having a taste of it makes me feel worthless and angsty. It makes it hard for me to be grateful and positive. My career is my passion, and it feeds my soul. Lately, my soul has been stagnant.

Last month, I went on the best vacation of my life with CS. We planned our wedding and called it our honeymoon. We made amazing memories together. It was truly the best week of my life. He is my home and my heart. I want to marry him and stop being scared of things.

When I got home to reality, I fell apart. Back to my shitty job surrounded by shitty people and trying not to let it get to me. There is no bright side to look on at this moment. No projects or necessities to accomplish. Just a road of a couple months full of tedious work that I do not want to do and drama that I escaped as a single person. We're trying to figure out our next steps in life, and I'm trying to manage it without doubt and anxiety ripping me apart.

I've had such severe anxiety for over 3 weeks now that I've dropped off the face of the earth, and everyone has let me. My list of to-dos is mounting, but I feel crippled. My house is dirty, my dog un-bathed, my bills unpaid, but I've been stuck. It's like no day is long enough, and no moment filled with what actually needs to happen.

Then this week, I've been sick. I was mentally so strung out that my body decided to follow suit. Now I feel like the cobwebs are gone mentally, but physically I can't get it together. I've been so sick I haven't been to work in 6 days. I called out two and got sent home two. I never thought I would say it, but I'm thankful for Amy and her covering for me. Tomorrow, I have to go back. The amount of debt I'm facing is staggering at this moment, and I can't live my life laying in bed any longer. I feel worthless.

There's a new fuck boy. And while that used to excite me, now it just annoys me. I tried to do the right thing. I told him while he was on vacation and I was on vacation that I got back together with my ex. I tried to scare him off, but instead he's chasing more. The attention will always be my biggest addiction, but I don't want him. I don't like anything about him, except the attention. And I don't want to risk anything I currently have. Which doesn't feel like much right now... If I lost CS because of some idiot like Tuse, I'd hate myself.

I don't know how to shake off the funk. It's taking over moments I should be happy. I've been fighting it off as best I can, but the cloud of drugs and drinking and mia keeps raining on me, and I can't find an umbrella anywhere. I've given in to Mia a couple times, but it doesn't help. And I've said no to drinking and drugs for so long at this point it feels normal. But some days, I miss that unhealthy coping.

I just need to remember my own advice about substances.

I don't think I've ever had depression for this long. It's been a solid month, and that's a scary thought. You'd think I could manage it somehow, but I don't think I'm mature enough sometimes. I have been asking myself "What's wrong?" for so long with no answers... I don't know what's really been wrong. Nothing huge. Just this stupid little nagging that I can't get rid of. This terrible feeling I can't shake off.

I should be doing better.

And, there is it. That is the thought that is holding me back. That is the ditty repeating itself in my head. Suddenly, on the screen of my journal, there is it. I have been telling myself this every single day lately instead of looking at the positives and being patient.

I need to give myself credit. I have been doing better. I have not been drinking, fucking around, lying to the man who loves me, putting up with shitty friends, having serious kid drama, or blowing money unnecessarily. I put aside the fuck boys. I said goodbye to Adam. I graduated. I know it's going to take a couple months, but I have the time. I need to calm down.


Tomorrow I need to do a chore and go to work. It's time to shake off the cobwebs.

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