Monday, July 31, 2017


I've had a messy week. Depression, not enough working or working out, too much binging and terrible purging. Sometimes purging leaves me feeling accomplished and relieved and sometimes it leaves me wanting to slice my wrists and cry. This week was mostly the latter. It's not worth doing anymore.

The world of skinny. It's a messy, terrible place, but it's where I want to live. I'm tired of the world of fat. Sitting at dinner tonight was weird. I order my little tiny salad and have my two vodkas while everyone else eats more calories than me just during the bread course. I rip my food into smaller and smaller pieces and take breaks where I put my fork down. They jokingly talk about eating their feelings this week and say, "2,300 calories? How many days worth of food is that?" Someone says "one to two" while I think "four during a good week."

That's what I desperately need right now.  A good week. I need to stay in control for a solid week and see where I am. I've been fortunate enough that the scale has been nice to me. I only gained about 2 pounds after I lost a bunch, which means I've kept those 10 pounds off successfully. Now I just need to do that with another ten. And maybe another.

Tomorrow's planned eats:
B - Yogurt, vitamins, coffee
L - Spinach salad with salmon, no dressing, light cheese
S - Almonds and oranges
D - Try to skip it...
T - Under 800!

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