Monday, June 19, 2017

Jay

He lights up when he talks to me. When I talk to him. He smiles. A smile that doesn't end with his lips, or even his eyes, but goes to his heart. 

It's not his fault he couldn't reach out. He's broken. And messy. He's so profoundly different on such a deep level that I couldn't even understand him. And by the time I did, it was too late. I didn't get all the information I needed and didn't have the time. He would have been a project that took years and more patience than I possess. More than I think anyone really possesses. He can't reach out like people expect. But I wish he would have. I wish any of his emotions would have been strong enough to spark some kind of actual action... Aside from the one evening and a couple drunken moments. 

I need someone who pushes back. That's the game. I cause drama to test. And some fail. Many have. He failed the hardest. To the point where I had to stop myself from blaming myself. 

I miss him. I know it would have never worked. It was doomed from the start. But I miss the game and the conversations. I miss having him as a friend. I wish I could tell him I miss him... I wish I could catch up with him. But I think the way it is now is best... I give him what I want and nothing more. And he soaks it up, pretends he isn't affected... but I know when he smiles. 

We said we would be friends. I said it. I know I can't, but I miss it. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I think I might be able to do that soon. Just not sure if I should or not. 

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