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Drove bird home from work the other day. He was nervous. He likes me, and I don't want that... They all do that.

We had a couple drinks, talked about work, kissed.

I left and went home to get really drunk and proceeded to tell the bf we may never be able to fix all the issues we have.

Yesterday we had a really rough morning. But it was good... We both expressed a lot of things we had been thinking but not saying. We went to lunch and got drunk.

I texted Bird and told him good luck with his impending convo with his ex, that I just want him to be happy. I meant it. But it was also to push him away. I don't want him. He's great but not for me. I want what I have.

The bf and I came home and got messed up-shrooms, ex, pot and continued drinking of course...

Then we were really talking. We both rambled on and on about what we had been thinking and feeling lately.

Nothing better than fucked up and venting.

It sounds ridiculous but it was healing. He really is a good guy. And really does love me.

I'm still giving myself time and space, but to be honest, right now I'm happy with him.

Still torn

Spent time with bird the other night... It was nice. Easy. Not amazing but I wasn't looking for amazing. Just comfortable. And it was.

He told me he wants to date me. That I have an amazing personality. That I'm gorgeous.

I got wasted and messed around with him a little but nothing really happened. We were both too drunk.

I don't want him. It was nice but I only did it out of boredom. Experimentation. Whatever.

I want my boyfriend. I just want him to be a better boyfriend and not have so much shit in his life I have to deal with.

He says in a few months things will be better. He's made changes. Tried. Made strides.

I'm just not sure.

Maintaining me

Vibrant me is becoming stifled again... How do I maintain her? Where is she?

I'm getting lost in fat and sorrow and poverty. So scared to lose the one thing in my life that makes daily life easier but also contemplating if maybe losing is is what would make my life as a whole better... I need some direction.

I'm starting to feel like I just want to be alone.

There for a while I felt amazing. Attractive and on top of things and like I had made the right decisions.

Now I question those decisions, feel grotesque in my own skin, and feel like I need that old feeling.

There's a certain sense of accomplishment you feel when you are dancing with the feeling of dying. When your stomach is only full of alcohol and your brain only full of drugs and ideals.

I need to take some steps to feel alive again... Regardless of where he goes or what he does.

Plan:
Work more
Save money
Get thin (always)
Study

I'm giving it about another month... Then we'll see... I might just need to be alone.

Ugh

I've taken a lot of liberties lately... Deleting anything I don't like... Pictures off his phone and lap top... Phone numbers, Facebook friends. I need to stop. But I feel justified...

The past needs to stay in the past. And honestly I feel like he's so desperate to move on and keep me he wont say anything.

I'm trying not to have double standards, but it's difficult... I know I need to let go of Bird... He's only going to cause problems... But the attention is so nice, and it makes me feel like I have a cure for my boredom and awful moods. Like I'm sexy and likable and worth paying attention to.

Plus now were friends, and that complicates it even more.

I hope when I get home I'm in a better mood today.

We'll see

I understand so much more today, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I fucked up last night. He fucked up more.

Does everyone deserve a chance? Do people ever change?

Why can't I let GO of certain things? Why do I think I have the right to act crazy and nothing bad will happen?

I hit him first. Body slammed him onto the floor. I was angry. He wouldn't stop being fucked up, but how could he?

I should have walked away. I should have let it go til morning. I should have handled things differently so many times last night...

I'm not trying to justify his actions. I'm not saying we're staying together or that everything is fixable... I'm just saying I made mistakes. Mistakes that I won't make again.

Fucked

He beat me up.

What the fuck is my life now?

And what do I do?

He says he doesn't remember. He was too fucked up. He wasn't even supposed to be fucked up. He was supposed to love me as much as he says he does. He was supposed to keep his promises.

Instead he threw me against the coffee table. Threw me against the wall. Smashed my face into the couch and ground my body into the carpet.

Then he looks at my face like "what the fuck happened to you?" and cries and says it doesn't make sense... He would never do that.

But he did.

And I have to decide what to do now.

Where do I go from here??

Day 2 white week

We decide on a white week.

I spend the day eating because I don't know how to be sober anymore.

He leaves me at home and goes to play pool with his friends because he doesn't know how to be around me if we're not fucked up or fucking.

I text other people and cry to my mom.

Everyone says leave him. I know I probably should.

We fight via text, and I wish I had enough money to drive to my parents house overnight. I contemplate going to my guy BFFs house. I contemplate sleeping in my car somewhere. I contemplate doing a lot of things but instead just lie in bed and cry.

He texts me. He calls me. I ignore all of it. The last thing I say to him is "fuck it." I feel like I mean it way more than I have in the past... That feeling scares me.

I want to make myself throw up but it's been too long since I've eaten anything.

Will this ever be worth it? Or will he always continue to just not fucking get it?