Nothing like a binge and purge to celebrate

I should not drink.

The hubby and I decided to go out for a drink to celebrate having a job. (And frankly, we both just wanted to get out of the house.) So, I thought, "Why not!? I can go to the gym later!"

Big. Mistake.

2 vodkas on an empty stomach, and I was DRUNK. Then I started eating. Fried food, wings, chips and spinach dip, whatever. I pigged out.

I asked the bartender where the restroom was, intent to purge it all up. She said, "It's out of order right now, and trust me, you do NOT want to go in there."

I was SO drunk I almost said, "All I want to do is throw up, it's not like I need it to be that clean."

But I managed to somehow get to the car without spilling my secrets.

We stopped for gas. Gas station bathroom = easy to purge. I locked myself in and got rid of the calories and alcohol.

Then I thought, "Well, I've already thrown up, might as well keep going." SO we stopped for ice cream. I ate THREE bowls with whipped cream and a snack cake and purged again at home.

Now my head is THROBBING. I drank 3 glasses of water and it didn't help.

BUT, the impulse is gone now... I ate everything I wanted to eat (a.k.a. everything in sight), had 2 easy purges, and I feel okay. I feel like I could go another week without any binge moments.

Weird how sometimes B&P's make me feel SO bad... Like a horrible person who is just disgusting and awful and depressed... And sometimes they make me feel BETTER... Not better as in well or healthy, but better as in, "I enjoyed that."

That's really sick, isn't it?

New job and calories

I have a job.

Finally.

They started me a bit higher than they originally said, AND I was told within 90 days, I'd get a significant pay raise.

I'm SO relieved, you wouldn't believe it.

The scale said I'm 119.5lbs this morning. Thank the baby Jesus, all the weight I gained last week is almost gone. It should all be by tomorrow, when we're supposed to hang out with Wes and Noel. Not a moment too soon!

Now to KEEP it off and lose a bit more...

Today's intake:
B: Nothing
L: 1/2 can tuna, 1TB FF Mayo, banana peppers, lettuce, 1/2 a small tortilla- 150 cals.
S: Yogurt cup - 80 cals
D: Cup of beef stew - 250 cals (planned)
Total: 480 cals

Planned output:
Cross trainer on lowest setting -300 cals
Weights @ 20-30 minutes - 50 cals
Total: 350 cals

Sounds lovely. I say lowest setting on the cross trainer because I was looking in the mirror the other day and I think my legs are bulking up a bit... And I DO NOT want that! Muscle knees? No thank you. Time to down the resistance and up the time.

I hope you ladies are having a wonderful day!

Possible job, gym, and low cals

I have an interview tomorrow!

I saw an ad online today for a bike shop (think Kawasaki/dirtbikes, not Harley's) that was hiring and said to apply in person. I went in, had an immediate interview, and have a follow up tomorrow.

The man that interviewed me today loved me, so I'm sure it will go well tomorrow. It's not a lot of money, but honestly I'm fucking desperate. I'm still going to apply for better jobs elsewhere once I start and if something better comes along, I'll take it, but for now... Anything is better than nothing.

After this morning's frustration, I've decided that I'm going to put aside a bit of money over the next few weeks and buy a new scale. This one to be exact. It has amazing reviews on multiple websites. I'm excited!

And then, as soon as I get to my goal weight, I'm planning something for the hubby and mine's one year anniversary. It's in 3 months, so I'll have time to save for it. And time to be super effin' bikini ready.

Hopefully we'll be able to afford to do something... If he finds something making at least as much as myself... We might get to do something nice.

I'll be tan and thin by then, regardless.

In other news...

I ate 485 calories today and burned 300 at the gym. I feel SO good about today. I wasn't even that hungry, and I didn't have any bingey moments at all today. It was a nice change.

I'm hoping by tomorrow morning when I weigh in I'll have lost another pound.

We shall see!

Sweet dreams, Ladies. I hope you're all shrinking by the moment. ♥

I need a new scale

SO, apparently the hubby kicked my scale last night on his way to the bathroom. (Normally he uses the master bathroom and I use the guest bathroom, but I was already asleep and he didn't want to wake me. He's not aware that I leave me scale in the middle of the floor.) Now this morning, I can't get an accurate number.

It's SO touchy. That damn thing. I think I reset it properly... I was in the bathroom for about 20 minutes fiddling with it. I think it's set like it was, but I don't even know.

I wish I could weigh in somewhere! My gym doesn't have a scale. It's against their policy. I know, ridiculous... It's because it's the gym in town where a lot of overweight people exercise. It's supposed to be a gym where everyone can be comfortable, blah, blah... It's the cheapest gym in town.

I need to buy a new one, but I can't afford it right now.

FML. This is annoying.

Well, if I DID set it back right, then I didn't gain over yesterday... In fact, I lost a pound. I don't know if I believe that, so I'm just going to leave it how it's set and weigh in again tomorrow after I have a good day today.

We shall see!

Too much day

I ate more than I intended to today. I let my emotions and hormones get the best of me. I ended my day at around a thousand cals... Too much.

All of today has been too much.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how mean the scale is tommrrow.

I hope I didn't gain. All I want is 3 pounds off by friday. Now I don't know if I can even accomplish that...

FML.

Jobless, gym watching, and Crystal Renn

I'm feeling bad today.

I found out from my previous boss that I probably cannot ever get a job with my previous employer because after they transferred me and I quit with no notice, I'm not eligible for re-hire.

Lovely.

Not to mention that I have a grand total of $50 to my name. The hubby and I are broke. And I want a good job. A real job. I've been working really hard on my resume, and I think it's wonderful... I just need the right person to read it.

Oh, discouragement. I know you're trying to interfere with my weight loss. Namely in the form of a can of Light Whipped Cream in my fridge that I should just THROW AWAY. 2 TB a mere 15 cals? No big! But, alas. The number of TBs I've had today? Who knows.

And the hubs and I decided to take a gym day off today for the sake of our sore achy muscles, so no burn there. If I just manage to keep it in check today

B: Cereal and grapes - 140 cals
L: Turkey and Popcorn - 140 cals
S: Whipped Cream and Craisins- ??? Should have purged it; would have been easy.
D: Chicken soup and salad planned - 200ish.

Total: Over where it should be.

I'm struggling REALLY hard right now because of that 'ole "You already fucked it up so you may as well eat [insert non-ana-approved food here] as well!" But, I won't let it get to me.

I HAVE to be thinner by this weekend! I'm going to try and do around 300 jumping jacks today so I at least have some sort of exercise...

In other less saddening news...

I'm a huge people watcher. Aren't we all? Isn't that a huge part of an ED girl?

And lately going to the gym, I keep seeing people that I think, "Wow." I mean, there are many "Ew"s as well, that's a given, but 2 specific "Wow"s that have made me ponder things a LOT.

"Wow," number 1.) I saw this girl doing the thigh machine like her life depended on it, over and over, a ridiculous number of reps. (I was on the machine behind her so it didn't look super creepy or stalkerish that I was watching her.) And she was SO thin. I mean, skinny, skinny skinny. And the intensity of her face... I saw ana in her.

But then I stopped for a minute because if I had not seen her in THIS moment. With THIS feverish intensity and panic in her eyes, I would never have guessed it.

In fact, a few moments later, she was up and off the machine, drinking water with a half smile on her face, and she looked completely NORMAL. Extremely thin, granted, but normal nonetheless.

And while I was sweatily away, I was thinking, WHY? Why does she look normal when anyone else her size would look anorexic?

And then it dawned on me: It's because she was tan.

This was groundbreaking to me... Not that she was tan, our gym offers tanning, but that tan really does equate healthy in our society. She looked totally fine.

I can think of countless girls that I could apply this to. Weird, huh?

"Wow" number 2.) I saw a girl who HAD to have been about 8 months pregnant working out. It gave me SO much hope, you can't even imagine.

I'm honestly horrified of giving birth. I WILL do it one day because I want a child. If I were not married, I'll be honest, I would adopt, but the hubs is SET on having "our own kids." (Yeah, because it doesn't have to come out of HIS hoo-hah. And because HE doesn't have to stretch out his body to have it.)

But you know, you always see celebrities and the like having babies and staying stick thin. Rachel Zoe, Heidi Klum, etc... But to see a REAL girl who was thin and working out with a huge bump made me realize I, Cally C, can do that TOO! I can go to the gym when I'm prego and make sure that once that baby is out of me, I lose the weight QUICK and keep it off.

It was a nice realization..

Okay, one more topic and I'm done for the day... I'm reading Crystal Renn's book, and honestly, I'm not impressed.

I thought it would be good, but I just don't love it.

So, you gave up your ED and you think that because you're such an amazing model you're going to change the fashion industry or the world's (or at least Europe and the US's) view of beauty? Not going to happen. And all her statements about how there's no PROOF that being fat is bad for you... It was all a bit much. I'm GOING to finish the book, but I disagree with a lot of what she has to say. Namely all of chapter 5, which for me is ruining the book overall.

It starts out good but gets a bit "wah-wah" as Tyra would say.

We'll see how it ends!

Well, off to apply for jobs. And try not to eat. Fucking stupid emotions flaring up during period week. Blarrrgh.

Woes and workouts

Sorry for my lack of posts lately.

The past week has been hectic, to say the least.

That weekend at my parent's house lead to a horrid downward spiral. I spent 2 nights at their house, and ALL. I. DID. WAS. EAT.

For 3 days, I binged and purged in the master bathroom where no one could hear me. With my hubby, parents, brother, grandmother, and great aunt all staying there with 2 dogs and a cat, sneaking off was too easy. And all my family members think I'm "too thin," so no one questioned the amount I was eating.

It was a hideous weekend.

When I got home, the scale was not nice to me. It said I was fat again, Back to 123/4/5/6/something pounds, and bloated as a motherfucker. I don't even remember the exact number, I just know it caused me to have a total fucking meltdown. I gained around 2 pounds A DAY while I was there. The day I wrote my last post, I had a major breakdown. Sobbing and crying and wanting to die. I don't normally want to DIE, but REALLY I did. And that hasn't happened in a long time.

So I did what I knew was best for me. I told myself that I had to put my ED [mostly] aside for a few days and just focus on finding a job. SO, I did that for 4 days. I ate what the hubs ate and didn't think about it.

But! We got to Friday of the week and Wes and Noel wanted to hang out, and I told the hubby NO. I gained weight and I didn't want to see ANYONE, much less Noel of all people. I realized that I had a week to lose the weight I put on in a matter of days and that I HAD to because this weekend I can't put them off again.

My emotions have calmed down significantly. I've had to just glaze over about certain things and not think about them too much or I'll have a panic attack. I'm starting to REALLY freak out about not having any income. I'm applying for a couple more days (one of the positions is for a company I previously worked for for 2 years, so I think I have a shot at that one) and then I'm going to the mall to get a job ANYWHERE.

The past 3 days have been REALLY good for me on the weight loss front. I've gone to the gym all 3 days and burned about 350 cals each day (In about 25 minutes on the cross trainer, so my heart rate is through the roof when I'm done!) and my intake has been LOW. I've basically been eating nothing all day and reserving my calories for dinner and then eating one larger meal.

I've lost a lot of the weight I had gained. It's hard to believe it was only 10 days ago I weighed 118.5lbs. This morning, the scale was not that nice. I don't even want to talk about it, honestly. I'm just hoping that I can keep my week workout central so that this weekend on double date night I look/feel thin.

I'll tell you when I'm back to 118lbs.

Then 110lbs is just around the corner.

A bit of Charlotte di Calypso thinspo. She is my FAVORITE model.



Lovely.

Think thin, ladies. ♥