I don’t know why I thought I’d get to enjoy this without introspection. I didn’t think I had anything to work on. I’m supposed to be able to clean and drink and play and not fucking obsess about anything.
But I can’t.
Because people suck.
And the interactions with my mom and brother and aunt and grandmother and kids this week have all felt… bad. Negative. Sad. Everyone is so mentally ill.
And all I can do is accept it. It’s easier with some than others. With my brother, I want to fix it for him. With my parents, I want them to be accountable and remorseful. With my grandmother and aunt, I want them to externally get help and see how their behavior has been problematic. With my kids, I want to adjust patterns I’m seeing and am powerless to stop.
And none of those things are within my control.
You can’t make someone see something. You can’t un-break something. You can talk, but it doesn’t mean someone will listen.
Those are the 3 tenets I promote. It’s harder to live them.
My kids are not mine enough to create the impact I would have hoped for in their lives. What I envisioned is not reality. I need to realize their lives have been chaotic, and I can’t change that with hoping and encouraging. They are going to take their own path to work it all out. They are good to fail and get hurt and be distracted. They’re going to do some of the things I did and suffer from them just as I did. And there is no other way that process can go.
I will be speaking my piece one more time in life, and then I have to stop. One more family meeting to address things I see that are problematic, and then I will be quiet. Available but quiet. I can only say so much before I become the enemy instead of the ally.
My parents would rather cling to pride than try to make changes. The way they have gained a sense of self and ego was not done in a healthy way, and it’s so fragile they can’t let it shift. Honoring them means letting them say things and not responding. It means being kind when I am not given kindness. I have decided to leave a door open for communication and I will do that, but I have to stop fixating when it’s the same exact dynamic. Yes, it’s incredulous. But it should be expected at this point. I need to realize exactly how mentally ill my mother is. I need to recognize that each text is from a crazy woman that needs meds and therapy and help. My dad has more trauma than anyone realizes - he’s wounded, and he’s clung to the only thing in his life that ever made him feel an ounce of happiness, not realizing that it could be even better.
My brother feels powerless and looks to others to create any movement. He can’t help it. He wants more from me than I can give. He’s disappointed, and I know that, but I can also see that what he is hoping for is not even healthy or good for his life. His energy and efforts are very misdirected. He does too much in the wrong direction. He would benefit more from building his own life instead of being a supporting character is other peoples’.
My aunt and grandmother have no idea how to connect with other people. They are so blind to how their behavior is a problem. They can’t see that they created the situations they are in.
It’s hard to stop being the victim in life because when you already feel powerless, it’s how you have built a sense of ego.
There is more to work out here, but it’s fleeting in my mind. I’m going to let it marinade and return to it.
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