Pushing past the limit

I don’t know why I pretend like sometimes I can step away from my eating disorder. I don’t think fighting it even works. I’m so disordered, and I don’t even care. I think everyone is like this. So I want to just allow myself the shit.

If there is misery with Ana and Mia, and misery without them, then I just have to choose what misery I can live with. And a fat body is not a life I can live.

I don’t want to be my mom. It’s always this, isn’t it?

I recognize being thin will not solve it all. I might still end up like her. I think her life is terrible, and I’m horrified that it will be mine one day - to just feel unhappy constantly. I would hate to never feel happy like she never does. 

And being fat is one of the few unhappys in my life that I can do something about.

I’m trying not to eat. 

Not the “trying not to eat bad stuff,” or “trying to only eat a certain number or calories,” bullshit. I’m just trying NOT to eat. When hunger arises, I check in with when the last time I ate was and when the next time I’m expected to publicly eat and what that will be to make a determination if I have the permission to eat or not. 

Todays eats:

B: coffee

L: 1 slice cheese pizza, brownie

D: Xanax 

When hungry, just drink water, take caffeine, smoke or eat an edible or pop a xan all day long… then be careful with that night time munchies. 

Last night munchies got me. I was too hungry, and when I smoked, I got too relaxed. I think no weed past 9 needs to be a thing. Like last time I can smoke in the evening is before baby bath.

Rules (don’t we live for them?):

-Wake your ass up at 6.

-Take your meds and a green tea pill.

-Work the fuck out. 

-Shower.

-Brew coffee. 

-Go to work. 

-Slowly sip coffee for several hours. 

-Drink alotsa water. 

-Lunch: 1-200 calories and as much neg cal foods as possible. 

-More caffeine if needed until 2pm. 

-Get off work. 

-Smoke. 

-Cook & eat a meal that’s 2-300 calories. 

-Smoke, edible, smoke, smoke.

-Stop smoking 8:30pm

-Theraflu or w/e to fall asleep. 

-Asleep by 10:30. 

I can’t waste my life hiding and eating in secret anymore. 

I need to get some theraflu. Tomorrow I am going to exercise ffs. By 6:30am my ass needs to be on the elliptical. 

Think thin.